I am feeling...disturbed, tonight. After I finished my book RS and I snuggled up, like we do every night for awhile before bed. I was just...overwhelmed by a sense of “unreality”. I was completely removed from the situation. It did not feel real at all. I felt like I was somewhere else, someone else, looking at him. Like I was out of my body looking down. This happens to me nearly every single time I am in someway intimate with him. Snuggling, hugging, kissing...it’s like I’m not really there. It’s always been like that.

It’s almost like being intimate with him triggers a trauma response if dissociation, but I cannot for the life of me figure out why that may be. I mean, my husband was never violent with me. Emotionally manipulative and slightly abusive, sure. But never physically violent. He did coerce me into intimacy many many times, making me feel guilty if I didn’t give in to him and do what he wanted. One time...well, I won’t say as it might be triggering, but it was definitely wrong what he did, and might be considered something of an assault. But only once. So maybe...I don’t really know.

I guess I’m just still in shock and denial that a man could possibly be this nice and loving towards me, all the time, no matter what. Even when severely depressed. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For RS to, like, “show his true colors” somehow. To start nitpicking, picking fights, calling me names, SOMETHING. I haven’t truly relaxed. I mean, we’ve only been dating for just over a year and a half. That’s not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. Anything could happen. My husband showed his true colors quite early...the first incident I remember was about eight months after we started dating. It was his birthday. He mentioned he hated his pillows, that they were uncomfortable and hurt his neck. So I bought him nice new pillows, Big fluffy ones that I thought he would like. But he didn’t. He opened them, and in front of his whole family, loudly exclaimed “THIS is what you got me? This gift SUCKS!” And threw them down. I was humiliated and shocked, as I thought it was maybe not an expensive gift, but a thoughtful one that showed I had been listening. He was 21, I was 20. Now I can see that was extremely childish, but then I just blamed it on myself.

I’m waiting for RS to just freak out on me. Like I know I’m a bad person, and he just doesn’t see it yet, or maybe he does and is excusing it right now but eventually he will realize and treat me as I deserve. I know that sounds crazy but...

I dunno. I’m not sure I’ve ever dealt with dissociation. I don’t know how to go about it. I guess it’s yet another one for therapy. I had to skip my session this week due to the power outage and subsequent lack of WiFi. I’ll have to mark this down, for now, and put it away until Tuesday.

In other news, I spoke to my pdoc finally. She refilled my prescriptions and added ambien for sleep. I am nervous about the ambien. I’m not sure how my body will handle it, if I won’t be able to wake up in the morning like with seroquel. I took just 12.5mg last might and still couldn’t rise until 11am. Better than sleeping until 3 or 4, but still not feasible for when I start work. I am also nervous about the possibility of sleepwalking. But she said that if I take it right when I want to go to sleep, and on an empty stomach, I should be fine. I’ll give it a go.

Of course, though, my pharmacy is out of depakote, which is what I need. I’ve been without since Tuesday. I’ve got to call them up tomorrow and have them check other locations. There’s one about ten minutes away. There are others closer, but they’re too far into the nearby city for me to feel comfortable. It’s just edging on “watchful” territory.

Otherwise my mood is still fine, if a little irritable.