I obviously think of the impact it would have on my son. Everyone else I can write off when I get fAr enough into it, but I can never, ever write off my son. Just a few weeks ago he came into my room. He remembered I had told him he could always share his fears with me. He looked at me and said “I do have one fear....losing you” with tears in his eyes. I think he may have been listening to my conversations with my therapist where I was taking about my suicidal thoughts. That broke my damn heart. I know he would never recover if I died, especially at my own hand. That keeps me going.

However, I do get worried I will do something impulsively. So I ensure my go to methods are cut off. This last go around, I made my boyfriend d hide my meds. I was so depressed that I didn’t even think of taking anything In the medicine cabinet, as I knew (through previous compulsive research during a psychotic episode) that none of it would work anyway so why bother. My meds though might work as I had a three month supply so they had to go.

My other go to involved my car. I told my boyfriend to not let me drive on the highway alone. Around town is fine, I can’t get up to a high enough speed to do what I want. But highway is a no go. Thankfully, it was quarantine and I was working from home while my son was learning remotely. Obviously if I had wanted to go anywhere I’d have to take him with me, so that method was nixed.

These things kept me safe, and saved me from being hospitalized. If I didn’t have my boyfriend cutting me off, I might been at too great a risk to do something impulsive.