Life free of meds is tricky. I'm glad it is working for you at the moment. You were struggling a week or so ago, so keep that in mind. Working means a long stretch of stability in my mind. While med free you may be able to ride the waves and go up and down, but you may eventually go too high or too low and it takes a lot of insight and monitoring of patterns to know when that happens. Even if you see it, it takes a lot of strength of will to stop what is happening as our thinking is clouded when we are sick.

I was able to do it for 10 months and I do not cycle like typical BP patients. During that time I had random delusions pop up, but they were just passing thoughts. Then, I had a trigger come into my life and it set off a chain reaction. Within a couple of days the unwanted symptoms came back. I went back on a low dose of meds immediately to protect myself and my family. I am trained professionally to analyze data and patterns and it took me a few days to see what was happening to me. I was scared and didn't want to admit I was sick, but I did it to keep everyone I love safe.

I had well defined strategies and plans in place. Even with that, it was hard to do the right thing. If you are going to self monitor, I think you need some of those skill sets. Some other members here are really great at it and I learned a lot from them.

When my doctor took me off meds I worked hard to be as balanced as possible. I do the same on meds. I work through my emotional stuff with a therapist. I focused on physical health. I worked on spiritual health. I learned everything I could about psychology and psychiatry to assist in my mental health. I put a lot of effort into getting as healthy and balanced as I could. I think that helped the episode I had a few weeks ago be less severe.

I think for me at least there may be times when I'm ok med free, but when I need them, I need them. The meds step in and save me from going down a destructive path. That is invaluable. I cannot control the electrical signals in my brain or the chemicals my body releases. I can only try to push back when I am out of balance, but it is like flying blind. Getting assistance from targeted meds just makes sense sometimes. I cannot do it all.

Have you ever taken your meds regularly? What is so bad about taking them? I feel that it makes sense to be as healthy as possible so that the amount of meds you need is as low as possible. I think it makes sense to work through some symptoms without adding extra meds. But... Fearing something that can assist you, if only situationally, is irrational. The goal should not be to be med free, it should be to be healthy in whatever form that comes in.

For me, the goal is to have the meds responsible for as little of the work as possible. I feel that is attainable and realistic. Being med free isn't a dream I'm chasing or something I will do even though symptoms are staring me in the face. I will not hide my sympyoms from my team in order to stay med free. There is zero shame in taking meds. I don't want them to control my life and it takes work to overcome the side effects. However, mania and psychosis are incredibly dangerous and serious. I will take whatever help I can get in keeping that at bay. Depression is equally as dangerous.

If it were me, I would just be completely honest on the 11th. I would explain how you feel about meds ad that you want to do the work to take as little as possible. Or, tell them you refuse meds and want to try without them for longer. Then, do the work. Work on yourself holistically. Learn how to properly monitor yourself and stop hiding things from your family and providers. If you have to hide, something is wrong. Its that simple. When you're there, if meds are the answer, be prepared to care for yourself properly.

Good luck with this. I genuinely hope you can work something out you can feel good about. Your health is so important. You owe it to yourself to fight for what you want, but just make sure you're doing it honestly and safely.