@everyone who asked: I am only allowed to use this one particular pharmacy chain as per my insurance. If I want to use the other big name in my town, I have to pay out of pocket. If go to a grocery store pharmacy, I can probably buy depakote for 20-30 dollars. Which is the route I may go, honestly.

However, my problems right now are only compounded by lack of medication, not caused by it. My complete crack in reality is due to my disturbing revelation.

Even now I feel completely disconnected. I wanted to scream at RS to get the **** away from me, just leave and never ****ing come back. I don’t want him to touch me, to look at me. I don’t want to hear he loves me. It just makes me vulnerable. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I’m meant to do. I want to disappear.

I know I’m being incredibly irrational and maybe I’m just overreacting, maybe things really were t that bad. Maybe it was all in my head and I’m twisting things to make myself look better.

I am unhinged. I’m hoping knocking myself out for a few hours will restore sone sense of calm.