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Originally Posted by iraqvet75
I picked up a part time security guard job and worked them both for about 6 months. Our relationship got rocky at this point because we weren't spending much time together. most days I had enough time to come home sleep for 6 hours or so and wake up for work. She would say I would rather work than spend time with her. She didn't have or look for a job.
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Sounds to me like she was free-loading on you; if she really cared about you and your relationship, she would have gotten a job herself as well, so you wouldn't have to work 2 jobs to support you both.
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Originally Posted by iraqvet75
I don't believe her and tell her that we are done and break up with her. I go to Verizon and have her phone turned off (again I still pay for all our stuff even sending her money for cigarettes.) after her phone is shut off she calls me on someone else phone crying and wanting to get back together. I eventually agree because I love her and decide to give her the benefit of the doubt. I get the apartment and drive to Ohio to get her and bring her to the new apartment in Texas.
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Bro, she is just using you; she had no remorse about being separated from you until you stopped the cash flow...
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Originally Posted by iraqvet75
She still wont sleep in the bed with me because she says I snore and will only sleep either on the couch or when I am at work. I tell her this bothers me a lot because I think we lose a lot of intimacy by not sharing a bed. Not talking about sex here but closeness although the sex was getting down to once a month or so. I am having a hard time supporting the three of us and find a side job running scrap metal. It wasn't a lot of money but it kept food on the table, but again I was spending less time with the ex. I was working 7 days a week 5 at the propane company and the weekends doing scrap metal. I did ask her to get a job and she said she was looking but I don't think she really was. I found about an opening at a Veterinarians office for a receptionist and told her to try for it but she never went to put an application in.
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Again, actions speak louder than words
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Originally Posted by iraqvet75
I called the company and asked if they would allow me to collect unemployment and they agreed. My ex got a job at Walmart and it combined with my unemployment was enough to get by if we were careful. Our relationship was strained at this point.
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What made it strained? That she was working, or that you were going through so much stuff? Was she ever compassionate about everything you were going through?
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Originally Posted by iraqvet75
After my daughter was born my ex got a job again this time at a cleaning service. I stayed home and took care of my daughter. I found that I actually really enjoyed this. My older two children I missed a lot of their younger years because of deployments etc. in the Army and this was a new experience for me. I was a little bothered that my ex didn't want to be involved in the day to day things, she was ok playing with her and holding her when she was happy but didn't want to feed her or bathe her. I asked my ex to come to the doctor to see about post partum. they said she may have a mild case and prescribed her some pills but nothing really changed with her. All this time again we were not sleeping in the same room or at the same time. I would get up with my daughter almost exclusively. sex was not happening for about a year. I was understanding because I knew pregnancy changes can have that effect on some women.
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Your ex seems to habitually show that she is very selfish; first she only wants you to work and support both you and her; then she wants to criticize every little thing you do in order to rationalize not spending time with you...and yet blame you for not spending time with her. Here you are, trying to be a great dad to your children, and she is completely uninterested in being a part of that magic whatsoever.
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Originally Posted by iraqvet75
my daughter is maybe two years old at this point. things are not going well with me and my ex. At her insistence we get a two bedroom apartment and we each have our own room. I share a room with my daughter so I can get up with her if she needs it. we start arguing more and more and my focus is no sex. I know this is selfish of me but every time I try and talk to her about it she says it is not a problem and you can have a marriage without sex. I ask her to go see the doctor to see if there is a physical problem. She finally agrees after a few months of arguing about it. her test results say she has a vitamin deficiency and had lower than normal testosterone. I didn't know females had any but apparently there is some amount that hers was below. he recommended some pills and a testosterone pellet. She refused treatment and said the problem was me being a sex addict not her not wanting to have sex.
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It is true that some marriages have a lack of sex for a time; maybe the wife or the husband is too busy or whatever, but to go for an extended period of time without it is a huge red flag. In addition, even after she goes to the doctor, and they tell her something is wrong with her biologically, she has absolutely no interest in fixing it so that you two can grow more in intimacy...this speaks volumes concerning her motivation for being with you, and how she is poisonous to you, in my opinion.
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Originally Posted by iraqvet75
I agreed and the divorce was completed. as we were talking during the divorce we were both saying that maybe we just got along better without being married. we agreed to work on our relationship and try to make it work for both of us. during this time while she agreed to pay 400 a month for rent she didn't actual pay anything.
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Again, she is showing her true colors...
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Originally Posted by iraqvet75
After she moves in to the guest house we have another relationship discussion. She says that she wants to work things out but I need to make changes and it will take a long time to fix things. She also says that if I ever sleep with or date anyone else we were through. I felt the same way and told her I loved her and wasn't interested in anyone else.
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This is so insidious; as the whole time she is telling you how if you cheat on her, you are through, she is cheating on you (from what you posted after this)
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Originally Posted by iraqvet75
She said it wasn't really cheating because we aren't married anymore
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After she told you that if you cheat on her you are done; and you tell her the same...she sure has selective memory.
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Originally Posted by iraqvet75
I don't really sleep much and am mentally going to a very bad place. I think about what we would have to do to salvage this and planned over and over I start stalking her email account as I knew the password and her Instagram etc.. I am honestly losing it.
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Yes, she is completely poisoning your whole life in my opinion. I'm SO GLAD you started seeing a psychiatrist, and she has helped you make sense out of some of this stuff. This lady is seriously bad news, and I would highly suggest you limit any contact with her to only talking about children and co-parenting stuff.
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Originally Posted by iraqvet75
I decided to call the VA suicide hotline and it actually helped. After talking with them I agreed to call my psychiatrist in the morning and discuss things with her
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I am so glad bro
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Originally Posted by iraqvet75
I went over to the guest house at 1400 and asked my ex to talk. I said everything I needed to say and then asked if she was willing to work on saving our relationship. She didn't actually say no but she said she needed to have some separation before she would know if she wanted to work on it.
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She keeps throwing you a bone, and you keep taking it...she is still playing you. I like Mark Manson's viewpoint on this, it's either **** yes, or it's no.
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Originally Posted by iraqvet75
I honestly don't have any friends as I lost all of my army buddies either in Iraq or to suicide afterwards. I have been avoiding social contact for so long that the only people in my phone are family members and my ex. I talk to my youngest sister but I cant talk to my kids or parents about this. I am still very sad. I feel broken and worthless.
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First off, you are not worthless at all; you have been around someone who has been putting you in so many mental hurdles, that you feel exhausted and overwhelmed with everything going on.
In a true relationship, when a woman actually cares about you, she will get a job and help you support you both, so that you can make it work. When you have hard times because of PTSD or the like, she will support you and help you get over them.
I hope you find that kind of woman in the future; but in the mean time, you have been through hell; now it's time to take a breather and let life settle down a bit. From everything you have posted, it sounds like you have been on a rollercoaster pretty much. Work with your psychiatrist and face some of the stuff you are having PTSD with. I hope she can help you with the nightmares and things.
War is war; it's not pretty, and it sucks. You are no longer in war, so now it's time to start to let go of what you did to survive while in war. It's time to accept yourself; all your crap and all your good stuff, and just accept yourself as if you were a child coming to an older you with all this hurt and pain. It's time to heal and get better and forgive yourself.
I hope this helps.
With compassion,
aklimatize