aklimatize thank you so much for replying to this. I was starting to think no one would be able to read through my wall of text.

What made it strained? That she was working, or that you were going through so much stuff? Was she ever compassionate about everything you were going through?

I think it was strained because of both. She wasn't very compassionate about it looking back at it now. I went to her really torn up about the nightmares and tried to get in bed with her. She woke up and was angry because she had to go to work the next day. I told her I just needed someone to hold me and be there with me for a bit. She said I could stay for five min. She did let me put my arm around her but was faced away from me. I did this a few times with worsening results and then just stopped going in there.

My psychiatrist told me pretty much the same thing, either she says yes or anything else is a no. I am not looking at this as something that will eventually work out anymore. I am trying so hard to accept it is over and begin to put my life back together. I keep going from relatively ok to just devastated.

I really think the psychiatrist helps. I have been seeing one since the VA diagnosed me with PTSD and major depression. They have been adjusting my meds for like 8 years now? So far nothing has helped the nightmares or flashbacks. I even did inpatient twice hoping to get better. I felt better while I was there surrounded with other combat vets with similar experiences and issues. It just didn't seem to stay with me for long after I got back home.

While I wrote this and continued to go over it in my head I can see what you say about her being selfish and manipulative. Over and over I let it happen and with every compromise I made to make her happy things just got worse and worse. I don't want to get back together with her. I just wish I could stop hurting like this. I wish I could just stop loving her. I actually wish I could be more like her right now. When I was falling apart asking her if she wanted to work on things she was emotionless. She looked kind of bored actually. I also know intellectually that she said she needed some space first not because she wanted space but to keep stringing me along. I know all this but I still hurt.

Again think you so much for your reply,!