[sigh] hi everyone.........an update on things so far. :::::::wavin at Peanut::::::::::

Against my better judgement, I went to see my T this morning. Had four hours of sleep, but I went. Foolishly I scouted out the area before going into the building and then checked all around there as well.

My T is the most special person I have ever met.......I just don't understand this man. He is trying so hard not to hospitalize me because he feels that would be like a betrayal to me.....so he came up with a solution/suggestion. Instead of putting me in the hospital, he is going to call me several times a day, esp on Sat. and see how I am, how my mood is, try to help me if necessary, etc. I had to agree to talk to him when he calls, and I gave him my cell number. I told him that if I am able to answer the phone, I will. I also told him that Sat. has about a 90% chance of being "the day"........sorry if that upsets anyone, but I am trying to explain how I feel. My T says that as long as I talk to him, he won't intervene over the weekend. I am scared, everyone........really, down deep scared. If I am not "able" to answer the phone when he calls, he will send ppl to my house to help me.......course I told him that I would talk to him, but not be at home when it happens.

He called me later this afternoon to check on me - twice actually because I didn't hear the phone ring with my windows down on the interstate. So I called him figuring it was him and I was right. I also told him that by Sat. I will be drinking alcohol to not feel things.......not good if mixed with meds.

Then I went to my second interview after crying when I left my T's office. For the first time in 2 years I hugged him goodbye and thanked him for everything that he has done for me. I went into the restroom and just cried my eyes out.

My T told me that he wants me to know that I am not alone, that even when the phone call ends, I am in his thoughts and that he is concerned.......he left word with his answering service that if I call at any time, I am to be put thru to him.....esp. Friday, Sat. and Sunday. God, the man scares me to death.....

Then ironically enough, I got two more calls about jobs and then got offered two jobs today.......the one from today and the other one from my first interview at the beginning of the week. Am I happy about this? No.......both told me that my resume and letters spoke for themselves in terms of my capabilities (they are both management jobs and good pay).....all I thought was they aren't hiring "me", they hiring the image on the paper.

My T told me that he will call me every single day, sometimes twice a day to check on me and remind me that he is there. I don't want him calling, I don't want to know that he is there - it is ONLY him that is there for me in my real life......but if I don't answer the phone.......I have unwelcome visitors.

I am so confused, so scared. I actually considered checking into the hospital, but I'm terrified they won't let me out again. My pdoc prescribed Zoloft, 100mg.......been on it before, but not that high a dosage. I doubt it will change my depression - it didn't before.

I went out today and spent money I shouldn't have - $200 which was part of my car payment. That is NOT me, esp. when things are so bad right now. [sigh] My thought was it didn't matter since I won't be around to worry about it - told my T what I did, which certainly didn't ease his worry.

I feel like such a mess.......if I make it thru the weekend, I have accepted 2 jobs. One means going out of town for 5 weeks, but being able to come home 2 days out of each week. Good pay, salary, and after training it is right in town. The other job, which was my second interview today, is for pretty good money plus weekly pay....but I'd still working at my job now as well - would have to make ends meet......plus the job is about 40 mins. away and winter is coming. Then I have two more job interviews next week. This is stupid..........I am such a chaotic mess - thoughts & voices that just won't shut up....

Mary Alice