Hey. I'm new here and feeling super lost. I've been quarantined for almost five months and I'm starting to lose who I am. I've gone through so many changes in so little time. But the thing that's crushing me the most right now is self-esteem.
Because my super religious, conservative family doesn't approve of anything that matters to me, and doesn't believe the pandemic is a big deal, I've been feeling... like... gaslit? I think that's the term, but please, correct me if I am wrong. It feels like nothing I say or do is real or true or matters. I feel like nothing makes sense and I'm not worth listening to.
My roommate doesn't help. She has her own struggles and they have led her to constantly ignore anything I say. She'll listen to 1/4 of a sentence and then either interrupt about something completely unrelated or literally turn away and start reading or watching something. It's making it so much worse. Anytime I've brought it up to her she makes it this huge deal, all about her and her woes. And I listen, and I care, and I try to encourage. But she never acknowledges that what she does hurts me. She never acknowledges that her behavior is legitimately rude as hell, and hurtful. I don't press it though. It's not as if she'd hear me. And I don't want to be the bad guy.
I feel kind of... worthless and confused and lost and alone. I've always had self-esteem issues, due to the toxic way I was raised and educated. And it's really hard to talk to people and feel natural lately. I need to talk to people about what I'm going through but i don't want to drive them away, burden them, stress them out, make them sad. I care so much... but often I feel as though nobody really cares back. I feel as though I'm actually secretly a terrible, foolish, obsessive, obnoxious person, but unaware.
And I know, yes. I need therapy. That's why I'm here on this forum--I cannot afford it right now.