Well, there are things built into a person's character that you are never going to change about them. And YES, there is ALWAYS an element of someones own behavior that results in their experiencing relationship problems. And often they decide that the problem is the other person and not them.

At least you are examining your own challenges and triggers and been working on trying to manage your challenges. However, given her behavior it's totally understandable that it's the emotional neglect from your history that tends to get triggered. Well, from what you have shared about your wife, she tends to be insensitive when it comes to other people's emotions yet does respond with petting when HER ego is being fed while the attention is focused on HER.

I see this a lot where people gravitate to someone simply because that individual constantly hands them petting when they pay attention and give a feed. Your wife learned ways to lay bait to get her desired feed. This other guy simply grabbed the bait and he doesn't know all your wife wants is the "feed" from him. I am glad that you recognized that your wife doesn't really CARE about this guy other than getting a feed off of him.

There is actually a very simple test when identifying this type of person. That's to get them to recognize something they did wrong or was offensive in some way. The result is often anger and even rage as you have shared your wife exibits. I often use the example of a box when I describe this as that's typically the reaction where this kind of individual proceeds to fill a box/space environment with their rage rantings and negative body language. This is often described as a toddler temper tantrum. Then it's disengaging and leaving the space and slamming a door to say you are now being ignored. After all, if you can't provide the magic and feed, you are not welcome and it doesn't matter if YOUR feelings get hurt either. In fact that's desirable.

You know guy, thinking you can change this in someone is futile. This type of individual is looking for a servant, not someone that requires actual emotional support and thoughtfulness. Often it's not intentional abuse either, instead it comes from that person's lack to be able to think about others in a respectful caring way. Instead they "use" others and typically have a patsy list of those individuals they can use and get attention from. Their memory is mostly of whatever "feed" another person provided for them. That's what they consider a friend and it's not really a true give and take relationship/friendship. If a positive happens, it's usually about their own need, not really about the other person's need. And that's why your wife was so negative when the house was not cleaned when she walked in. HER NEED, not yours, she needed you to "service" that need FOR HER. That's probably the extent of her awareness guy.