I have BP and BPD and beside the fact that my 16 y.o daughter has anxiety issues (which run rampant in my family) she is a well adjusted, healthy and happy teen. She is now off meds (she was seeing a T and Pdoc when she was 14, because it got really bad) and has been implementing her coping mechanisms and speaks to me when things get a bit rough.
She unlike myself, has thankfully had a childhood free from maternal neglect, and sexual abuse. I am sure that plays a huge part in how well adjusted she has grown to be, that and the fact that she knows she has someone who always has her back.
My symptoms started showing as early as 14, my mom let me suffer in silence and led me to believe I was weak for being emotional.. ugh
Anyhoo, I sometimes question as all good mothers do, whether I've done right by her and blah blah blah, but Parker (my Pdoc) always reassures me, that there's an overwhelming amount of evidence that I have done a good job.
The 1 thing I did struggle with that stood out to me is with regard to my BPD, and the fact that I'm very empathetic. When my daughter hit her teens and her hormones were going crazy, I found it very heard to disentangle my emotions from hers... In more harsh words, I found her triggering... Not to say I blame her for anything, ugh I'm doing a bangup job of explaining...
Well it's like, when she was upset about something, I would also feel upset, and it was hard to tell which hurt was hers and which was mine, and did I even have any hurt to begin with.
I'm that person who cries when someone close to me does, who feels a sharp slice of pain on the spot where someone else is injured, who gets drained by visiting a hospital because the patient's are in pain... So I'm not sure how relevant this is.
But I had to work very hard in T to separate Jordan's feelings from mine, not just because it wreaks havoc, but because in order for me to be able to be there for her effectively, I can't be the same level of upset she is when she needs me.
That being said, Jordan wrote this heartwarming letter to me on my birthday a week ago, thanking me and encouraging me, saying she knows I've had it rough (she's been aware of my BP DX since she was 6) and telling me how glad she is that I am her mom.
I cry every time I read it.
My point is, I think you can do it.
You're looking after yourself and you're thinking about it from all angles, which means you're certainly making sure you've got all your basis covered.
One thing that my daughter said to me when she was 10, that has stuck with me, I will share with you.
We were having a Q&A about BP (I always encouraged her to ask questions) and she asked if it was hereditary... When I told her there was a chance she could develop it, her response was...
"Well don't worry I won't be mad at you, I won't even blame you, at least if I do get it, I will have you to help me through it and take me to a doctor and therapist. You had nobody, you had to figure it all out yourself and get help on your own"...
Run it past your T if you feel the need to, but my belief is that if you and your fiancé really want to have a baby, you should bloody well have a baby!!!!
So many people who don't have any MH challenges don't ask themselves these hard questions and have babies, some of them do an outright crappy job and even have multiple kids! Nobody or very few people are judging them, why? Because crappy parenting isn't genetic?
You and your partner are ensuring that you are willing AND able to bring new life into this world, that counts, that counts a shytload, and genetics are not something we have any control over. Unless it's a death sentence, or leads to serious health complications and deformities, I don't think that genetics should be the deciding factor into whether we get to procreate.
((((((((((Hugs))))))))))