Hi, I have a problem and I feel so guilty but I don’t really know how to feel after talking to my therapist today. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and we live together. He was out of town and I had a male friend visit. This male friend and I have always hooked up when we see each other and have known each other like 10 years. However he is such a good friend of mine I trust him with my deepest secrets and sometimes he’s the only one I can talk to about stuff other people wouldn’t understand about my mental heath. He lives out of state. He visited this time and I said I am very serious about that the guy I am with and I can’t hook up with him. We went out and did stuff all day and had a lot of fun together but he was telling me he loves me and always will his whole life. I feel kind of the same way but I love my partner more and I know I want him in my life forever and was sure I didn’t want to hook up. However I don’t want to lose this friend either but I just want to be friends now and not hook up anymore. We’ve always kind of said we love each other the whole time we’ve known each other but I love him more in a friend way I suppose I don’t want to be with him like as a husband. He’s in a relationship too and has been for like 8 years. So he has been cheating when we hooked up in the past. Well this visit we went out all day and I have major anxiety and being out in the crowds and with the virus I was scared of being around people so I started having bad anxiety. He suggested buying some alcohol (at 2pm) and having some drinks. I had a lot of the bottle of vodka we bought after that but he really didn’t have much since he never really drinks. So he was sober I would say. We had dinner after and he got sake at dinner. When we got back to my house I was really drunk. He wanted me to dance so I did and was having fun. Next thing he was taking off my clothes. I said I didn’t really want to but went along and told him to wear a condom it was very important. After the sex I noticed the condom was lying on the floor. He had taken it off! I was mad. Anyway we hung out a bit after then went to bed. The next day I felt so guilty. I didn’t tell my boyfriend when I saw him. I don’t want to ruin what we have. I see him as my future husband! I saw my therapist today and she said I had told him I didn’t want to, then he suggested alcohol and saw I drank a lot and then had sex with me, which is actually sexual assault. Now I feel even worse that my friend could do that and to me. My therapist asked is he really your friend if he didn’t respect what you had told him and took advantage of you being drunk? I know being intoxicated is the only reason I did this. I am so upset about it all. I don’t know how to feel. I just want to cry. I know the truth is the best but I can’t lose my boyfriend. I was sexually assaulted in the past (I have PTSD from it) and to be told this by my therapist made me very upset I guess I was taken advantage of. I love this friend but should I even be his friend anymore? On top of that he owes me a few thousand dollars! I am just so upset. I feel like an awful person and don’t know what to do going forward. I want my boyfriend and me to have complete honestly but now I’m a liar.