***********This contains graphic images and may trigger!***********

As some of you probably know, I lost a VERY dear friend/romantic interest named Jon in a car accident on September 17. He was 25 years old and it was a MAJOR shock. The damage to his body was severe enough that I wasn't able to see his body before they closed the coffin. This disturbed me and sent me into a weird state of alternating between denial that he was really in there and then disturbing nightmares and intrusive images in my mind.

A friend of mine saw pictures taken at the accident scene and she told me that it was REALLY bad. I didn't much appreciate the details

After Jon died, I had nightmares where I saw him go from the Jon I knew and loved, in my arms, safe and healthy and warm. Suddenly he was covered in blood and dead. He was cold. Then I saw him, face and all, as a rotting corpse. SERIOUSLY grizzly disgusting images have been giving me nightmares and flashing into my mind without warning.

In addition, I developed and INTENSE fear that someone I love is going to die. And I won't know who, so there is no way I can spend time with them before and no way to prepare. But they will die. I also feared that their family wouldn't be able to contact me, so I would never know. Jon's family was unable to find my cell number and I had recently moved, so the apartment number they called was old. They had trouble finding me to tell me. I have had EXTREMELY high levels of anxiety over this and have been struggling to overcome it all.

November 17, one month to the VERY DAY after Jon died, my sister and dad rear-ended an SUV that had slammed on her brakes to avoid hitting some deer. My sister's car was totalled. My mom called me while my sister and dad were still at the accident scene and cops had not arrived (my sister called my mom from a cell phone). She had told me my dad was unconscious and my sister was bawling. They were okay, although the car was totaled. I saw pictures and it's pretty amazing they were okay. The windshield was shattered, they both hit the dash, the hood of the car was smashed up like a tin can. Needless to say, it was a rough night

Things were starting to get a little better for me psychologically when, in December, my mom was in a car accident. It was almost a head-on at 70 miles per hour, but she was able to swerve out of the other lane in time that she only ruined her driver's side door and blew out the window. I was VERY shaken up when I learned about this (on Christmas Eve, btw) and just cried and cried. She so easily could have died that day. I felt like any sense of security I had managed to gain since Jon's accident was a FALSE sense of security, and was now gone.

My grandma just called me and this morning my mom was in another car
accident. Totalled my grandpa's truck,but she is okay and VERY lucky to be. She seems to have injured her back and her right hand, but is otherwise fine. Coming home from work, she lost control of the truck on the ice and fishtailed. She wasn't able to stop it, and she ended up going into oncoming traffic. She was hit on the passenger side, otherwise she'd be dead, because the truck was almost folded in half at the point of impact. The other car involved was also totaled, but the woman wasn't seriously injured. She didn't see my mom in her lane until after they'd hit for some reason, so she was still going forward with full force.

I am a mess. I am just a complete mess. How can I ever stabilize after the death of Jon, when these things keep happening??