Last week I was feeling great. My physical health was improving and the injection I had stopped most of my PTSD symptoms. Then on Sunday I physically crashed. I had been too active in the previous days so the chronic fatigue syndrome flared up bad. On Tuesday night I was at my partners and feeling so ill I had sting SI. My partner helped me think straight and I was calmer by Wednesday. Having such intense physical limitations is a great frustration to me. I struggle to hope it will get better as even medicine has no cure. It is just a waiting game while pacing myself to avoid crashes. The stress is getting to me.

This morning (Thursday) I feel a little better. I have a busy day ahead. I just hope I don’t crash further. I will try to rest as much as possible in between tasks. My partner is coming to stay with me for four days. He has been very unwell with Bipolar. He has little insight but finally clicked he needs to see his doctor yesterday but then didn’t call. He has promised to call this morning. I hope he does. He can barely function and I’m too weak to care for him all the time. He goes on manic rants and my fatigued brain falls apart trying to keep up. Then he crashes and begins sobbing so I comfort him as best I can. It can be exhausting, but when he is calm we have a great time. He rapid cycles constantly but still believes his meds are perfect despite all his suffering. He also has PTSD and is very fragile so I can’t pressure him in any way to get help. He also isn’t completely open with his pdoc as he goes in hypomanic and says everything is perfect. Then he crashes and won’t make another appointment. It is frustrating and exhausting, but I love him and don’t want to abandon him. I just need to find ways to reduce the stress it brings as I can’t take much more myself.

Sorry, I’ve ranted myself. On the plus side I may be starting to do some volunteer administrative work for a global aid organisation that my friend works for. It will be very minimal to begin with to see what I can cope with. It will be good not to feel so useless all the time.