Thanks again for your thoughtful reply, Elio. Responding in parts to address your points.
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Originally Posted by Elio
First, that there's something holding you back from pursuing things in your life because you have not reached some place you feel you need to be at before you can begin the rest of your life. Because of not being at some "magical" or expected place, there is fear or dread, maybe even anger (or something) that is keeping you from trying. Oddly, it is "at the bottom" that we are able to be open/vulnerable to trying different things with a different mindset. Through this openness we learn about ourselves, we grow, and are able to become something else. Be put together differently, make different connections or neural pathways. (ok, a bit woo woo and significantly easier said than done)
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It's interesting you use the word 'magical' because at points my T has asserted (though has backed off the idea more recently) that I'm looking for a 'magic bullet'. I would typically respond to him by saying I'm not looking for magic, I'm looking to feel sufficiently better so I can go out and try. While I definitely have more tools, I don't feel better and feel like a lot of the obstructions that have historically been in place are still there (to make it explicit, believe most of these are self-created via 'little me').
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The second is in line with the first and yet a slightly different take on it. This is the concept/feeling that one must end therapy before you can start the rest of your life. I know that there are limited number of hours in a day and energy we have for stuff. So maybe a cutting back on analyzing yourself (so the therapy part of therapy) might be helpful while you try to engage in other elements of your life. Still seeing your T so that you can discuss what you are doing and how these other elements are playing out. It does require your T to be willing to go with you on a change in how you use your time with them. Again, this is so hard especially when motivation is low and you might not know where to even beginning.
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I wouldn't say I need to end therapy to start working toward something better, but I would say I'm looking for 'something', and have this whole time, from therapy before moving forward. This hearkens to the obstructions I've referenced (ie, obstructions are mostly gone so I can get to work). Making therapy a side dish instead of the main course could shift perspective somewhat.
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My thoughts around this again is to listen to that little you voice. What does that little you want. Ok, it doesn't want to talk about or deal with this emotional thing that happened. What does it want to do ?? If it was a true child of yours, how would you manage those wants with compassionate guidance? How would you allow it to explore the world to learn what it likes? This is a major part of what I'm working on so theremaybe lots of projection here.
I'm also a bit curious as to the conflict between that little you and the adult you. You state that the little you doesn't want to address some emotional thing, so it seems not all of you are in agreement that it's the right time to deal with that. And yeah, I know you've been in this internal struggle for several years now. The parts that want to address it must think that addressing it will get you somewhere or is there only a single another part that is dictating that you must address it because it believes that's how "this" works? In my work with my inner world, it seems that I have several parts and sometimes most of them don't have a thought/concern about something so it ends up with those parts sitting on the sideline while 2 or so battle in their unique ways on how to keep me safe and how to get me where I want to be. If it is similar for you, any chance of enlisting one or more of the sidelined parts to help bridge the different needs of these parts.
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This is kind of where we're at (and what we're focusing on) of late (so, definitely not a projection). Namely, what does little me want. I'd say we aren't entirely clear yet. Him feeling understood, him feeling seen and acknowledged helps. If I had to pinpoint it, I'd say his motivation is really, unfortunately, simply maintaining a sense of his person and autonomy. Brief backstory was that he (and I) endured a fair amount of childhood trauma (anxious, depressed, controlling mother; alcoholic, absent, low self-esteem father; depression and mental illness was rampant on mother's side, father's side were all alcoholics--paternal grandfather died of cirrhosis).
Then stuff happened. He was tested and identified as very smart growing up in a family that very much wasn't and they saw him as a golden ticket. Maternal grandfather said he'd 'save the family', mother asserted I was her 'nest egg' and that it was 'only right' that I give back to them when I began studying things that paid well, father had always 'wanted a smart son' and had his wish fulfilled. This was complicated further because father felt inadequate in comparison which manifested, in addition to his absence, in not really talking to little me when he was present (said he didn't want to sound stupid).
So, you've got this backdrop of a very emotionally, and at times, financially, hungry family with a son that has some resources that they, without malice, wanted for themselves (to exploit). All of this despite never really feeling loved or accepted by them for the most part, or even liked by his father due to his absence and reticence. I think I'd say '***** that' too when people I didn't think even liked me were all of a sudden super invested in what I could do. I'd make a point to do well enough in school (~93/94) but would avoid doing my best lest family try to get some for themselves (still not 100% that this is the fear causing the holding back), aside from a couple quarters where he really wanted it and got 99s and 100s on everything. This has become a central theme of late (ie, what, precisely is going on with the 93/94 thinking).
And then with all of that, parents still don't really know/acknowledge what went sideways. Mother has acknowledged she was too controlling growing up, but nothing really beyond that. Father still doesn't understand why I was furious and wouldn't talk with him in my early teens when he reentered my life. Which is all unfortunate because at his core, little me is extremely generous and forgiving.
Interesting to hear about your multi-part inner world. Would be interested to hear how it operates, PM is fine.