I can relate I went though something similar. I got really close to divorcing my wife.

I was really depressed and feeling similar to the way your say you feel.

Something kept telling me not to act on my feelings. I don't know what it was but I thought that I should not act on what I feel and wait until things were better.

I ended up not acting on what I was feeling. I'm still depressed though but I have come to learn that those thoughts were distortions created by the depression.

Now I avoid making big decisions into until I have given things plenty of thought I externalize my thoughts in my journal so that I can see them and look out for distortions that mange to creep in.