My Support Forums - View Single Post - Cheated on my partner after drinking but my therapist says it was a sexual assault

Lily11 · Aug 13, 2020, 07:17 PM

No, I didn’t invite him back over to hook up with him. He had checked out of his hotel and I had said he could sleep on my couch since he had a very early flight. I did not think he would attempt any sexual moves on me because i told him I didn’t want it. I said we couldn’t do that anymore. He said ok when I told him that. Because he agreed I thought it would be ok. I didn’t think he would still try. Worst part I asked my boyfriend if it was ok if he came over and if he could sleep on the couch and my boyfriend said ok. Because he trusts me. But apparently he can’t. I know because of this that I can’t ever let anything like this happen again because of How terrible I feel. I did go get an STD test right away at the dr. Hopefully all is ok. My friend said he was recently tested and has nothing but I want to be sure. I just never thought he would try to have sex when I had told him my feelings about the guy I’m with. I told him I will always love him but I would feel too bad if I did it and it would be wrong. I said I wanted this relationship I’m in to bed pure with no lies or cheating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

HI there. I am very sorry for your current turmoil and situation.

I disagree that it was sexual assault, however. You told him to get a condom, therefore, it was consensual sex. Had you been saying 'no' the whole time, and had he physically forced himself upon you, it would have been sexual assault. Saying no at first, but then "went along" and telling him to get a condom is consensual sex.

Also, he bought the alcohol because you said you were anxious, NOT because you were saying no to sex. That's according to your post. Drinking alcohol with a friend with whom you've had previous sex is a recipe for disaster and will likely lead to sex. You must have known this on some level.

In my opinion, you took a huge risk by inviting someone over with whom you've hooked up previously. You knew the risk and you knew the history.

Perhaps some part of you wanted to have sex again with your friend. Otherwise, WHY did you invite him over when your boyfriend was out of town, of all times? I think you invited this sexual experience because on some level, you were aware of the risk and your boyfriend was conveniently out of town.

And perhaps you caved and had sex with him because you were also afraid to lose him as a friend? Could that be true? If that's the case, he's not truly your friend, if you're worried he only cares about you because he can have sex with you.

Also, a true friend wouldn't put the moves on someone who says they're very serious and committed to their boyfriend. He should have respected your boundaries verses dancing with you and taking off your clothes when you were drunk. So he DID take advantage of the situation, in my opinion, and he took advantage of YOU.

So you now have to face the consequences of your actions. Either you tell your boyfriend and be honest, or you keep it a secret and it will eat you up inside due to the dishonesty.

I don't think you are ready for marriage, or else you would not have cheated on your boyfriend, and you would not have invited this man over while he was out of town.

I would at the very least, reconsider your "friendship" with this man. As I said, that is no true friend, someone who will take advantage. He was not respectful.