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Originally Posted by bpcyclist
I do enter an agitated state of depression sometimes somewhat similar to what you describe. I want to lash out and tell the world What It Is All About, etc. I have often felt this may represent a bit of lurking dysphoric mania, a mixy thingy, maybe, as the externalization, as you interestingly phrase it, us such a big part of hypo and mania for me. Everyone must hear about it. So on. This is sort of a depression-mania subtype for me, at least, this is how I presently make sense of it.
Hugs.
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Thank you, it's interesting that you mention dysphoric mania, because I think all of this started in its full intensity when I was mixed at the start of this year. Back then I wanted to end my relationship and start a new one, run away from everything. I even tried to get my wife to divorce me multiple times but she said no. And I was so incredibly angry at my therapy practice for abandoning me when I needed them most that I had really violent thoughts about them. I came close to getting in my car and driving by all of their addresses and beating the crap out of each and every one of their practices with a crowbar. Then I just wanted to drive far far away to wherever and maybe never come back.
I currently don't feel manic, at least I don't have that energy, but maybe some of the other symptoms have lingered. Certainly the ones about wanting to start a new life, and I'm also still holding on to a huge amount of anger and anxiety that's going through my head 24/7.
Throughout this whole episode I've certainly been going back and forth between more mixed phases and more depressed phases. The reason I called it externalizing depression was because I thought perhaps I was "projecting" the depressive feelings onto everything around me and creating a distorted reality that doesn't match how I would normally feel. But it's been so long that I don't even know how normal would feel anymore. I just hope what I'm feeling isn't reality, because then I'll be really screwed.
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Originally Posted by Scooter9
I can relate I went though something similar. I got really close to divorcing my wife.
I was really depressed and feeling similar to the way your say you feel.
Something kept telling me not to act on my feelings. I don't know what it was but I thought that I should not act on what I feel and wait until things were better.
I ended up not acting on what I was feeling. I'm still depressed though but I have come to learn that those thoughts were distortions created by the depression.
Now I avoid making big decisions into until I have given things plenty of thought I externalize my thoughts in my journal so that I can see them and look out for distortions that mange to creep in.
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Thank you, I journal as well and I find that it helps sometimes. I try to talk to my therapist about it but some of the things are just embarrassing and difficult to bring up for me so I feel like I have to figure those out on my own.