Yes, and I'm able to accept that I might be better off on my own. I say might because I'm not certain it would be better; it's probably naive to think that it would "cure" my bipolar symptoms. However, I can't bring myself to do that to my kids. Thus, I feel I just don't have the choice to change anything. And besides, I still don't even know whether all of this isn't just some giant delusion caused by the depression.

I mean about the fact that it's all a trap, that I'm a burden to everyone and everyone hates me and I have to escape and start over. I've also been really obsessed with the idea that life will become unbearable if I grow old (I'm early 30s) and that I should kill myself before that happens. I feel the older I grow the more trapped I'm going to become and I don't want to live a whole life feeling as miserable as I am now. I just truly don't believe there's any hope of things getting better.

I don't understand why I can't just be happy. On paper I have everything, and there were times when I was happy with this. I don't think anything has changed to justify my current feelings, except my own mind state.