My paternal grandmother passed away in February after several months of lagging complications from a hip injury. She was transferred to the largest area assisted living, which helped my grandfather with a similar transition, but I don’t think she could’ve received worse treatment. From the start grandma knew at 92 yo, she would never regain normal functioning after her initial injury. But at the same time she very well was spiraling faster than necessary to her demise. She was never seen by the doctor who agreed to take care of her, so nurses and specialists were aloof to her needed prescriptions and therapy. At meetings involving my family, I wish I could’ve been there to punch the social care woman who lead the meetings. She was unprofessional to the point of even wearing nightclub dresses to meetings, and was quite vague and pretentious in describing my grandmother’s condition (frequently said she “plateaued” in an annoying accent). Thanks to this so called care, my father who is a retired doctor ordered grandma to the ER in the state’s largest hospital two hours from her home because of a DVT leading to small pulmonary embolism. Needless to say all of which was overlooked in the carelessness of the AL. She improved after the procedure to install a filter to prevent a more catastrophic PE, as well as transferring back to her original facility where she received more intensive care. But the existing PE’s were already too strong to be controlled, especially when the filter supposedly came loose, allowing the PE to shoot up to her neck and brain.

Grandma died nearly 36 hours after the deadly PE, having lived the life that she desired as a loving mother, grandmother and great grandmother. But thanks to this long lasting episode, my disdain for people in general has gone from a slight annoyance to intense hatred. My longing to see grandma more often after college was not just taken but snatched from my hands. With many of the people at that AL being close to my age, I am sorry that I was born into a no good, rotten, sorry excuse of a generation, who only care about their reputation. I went from a toxic college environment where I was feeling like an outcast over superficial things, like not having a SO, not enjoying the party life or not living life with rose tinted glasses like so many people seem to, then losing my grandmother? For awhile I don’t think things could’ve been any worse. My parents are only in their 60s now but since I didn’t pursue medicine like my parents, I have a heavy weight on my shoulders when they get to be possibly 92 as well. Just imagine how much more selfish and stupid people will be at that point in time. And by the way, who will take care of my parents brothers and sisters when they get old? Many of my cousins, especially on my dad’s side, I am not really close to, so later down the road I will be hopeless.

Obviously I’m feeling stuck. Can someone help me feel unstuck so I can celebrate my grandmother instead of taking my anger out on the world?