Wow I get it.. I can only explain that when I was a child I was "hunted" When I was six or seven I would hide in the woods. To this day my senses are scute to every footstep every sound... I am always aware of my surroundings, I always pay attention to who is watching me , I trust no one.. Anyone who has ever gotten close enough to be considered a friend is protected by me.. I am guarded.. and I guard those I care about. I was diagnosed Severe PTSD severe Anxiety. When I was younger Nobody got close to me. I am married .. have what I consider a few great friends who if anyone hurt.. Omgosh ,, Its not fair to be hard on yourself . I judged HARSHLY.. I was an asshole to many. I made a lot of mistakes... but I knew there was something inside eating away at me making me the way I was.. There was.. it was awful.. Took me years to get guts to dig inside to get it out.. dont put yourself down... if there is something you know that is going on in you.. and you think your ready to confront it.. or havent had good experiences trying in past ... dont give up..