Ugh I'm just so disgusted with myself....I'm not strong at all. Your parents sound nice, but mine would disown me for the secrets I hold. Things slipped once, and they became entirely different towards me. I can only imagine what would happen if things slipped twice. Do you know what I mean? I just don't know if I'm ready to pour out my heart and soul...at least not to family/friends.

If I could find a therapist on my own, and keep it a secret long enough to get things organized, I'd be fine. But I severely doubt that's going to happen, not without someone finding out. Then all would be for not. I've always had problems with feeling embarassed. I could never show my face again if my friends knew what I'd done, what I said to them was all lies....Yet I talk to them all the time and we go out and have fun, and they know nothing. At least I hope.

I though about writing a letter, since my mother always told me, that if you take the time to put something in words, whether they are harsh or loving, it truly shows you mean it. I dunno, I want change in my life, but I'm just too afraid of what's going to happen to me in the mean time...