I'm sorry to be back here again, right now it feels like my only life line??? weird...

Went to work today, got there on time too - amazing. Was taking a student round with me today, so i was just on automatic pilot, giving him the ususal tour and and talk.

Daughter has gone to bed already, 6.30 tonight, she was really tired - almost sleeping whilst cuddling on the sofa... so sweet.

At one point today i was driving in the car by myself. I couldn't get the radio to work?? Don't know what's gone wrong there... country roads, silence but for the engine and my own thoughts screaming thru my head... what if i crashed? what if i lost control of the car? what if the road was slippy cause of the rain and freezing weather? it would be an accident. there would be no-one to blame. i hate myself for having those thoughts. i am so weak and selfish. i have a beautiful daughter who i love like i never knew possible. i would die for her. what would she do without me? how can i have those awful thoughts? how can i imagine having a horrible accident? what would she do without her mummy? i'm so fu**ing selfish. how could i think that. i don't want to die, i'm not thinking of suicide, but i couldn't get those thoughts out of my head. if something bad happened to me, i wouldn't feel this way anymore. it would all be gone and the world would be a nicer place. why did i think that. what's wrong with me? why am i so selfish and self absorbed? why isn't this bloody medication making me feel better, like it did before?

Sorry, really hate myself today. Common sense tells me that i will be ok soon, this downward spiral will come to an end, and i will stop spinning, and just stand still. i'm fed of waiting for that day to come. I'm now doubting that T will help... getting so anxious about going, day after tomorrow, it's not long now.