I had an epiphany today about WHY I may have opened up to him to begin with.

Months and months ago, my desk moved across the room, so I no longer sat in close proximity to his office and that meant that he stopped coming by my desk to casually chit chat. Then COVID hit, and we lost all contact as we all worked from home. In the meantime, for months, I was gearing up to approach him about a possible leadership position.

I emailed him on a whim one day during COVID to inform him that I may be getting a divorce, saying that I was having a rough go of things, but to reassure him that it wouldn't effect my work. This email was prompted by a prior email from him to just "check in" on me, tell me I was doing a good job, and to reach out if I ever needed anything. So I took him up on that and reached out to him on a personal level.

I think subconsciously I wanted to reestablish a connection with him again to help bridge the lack of communication and also in preparation for approaching him about a leadership role. So I opened up on a personal level to reestablish that connection we once had. This is what I believe was going on rather intuitively for me and on a subconscious level.

And it DID open a door. We had two phone conversations after I sent that email. We spoke at length on the phone for about an hour at a time. And we talked mainly about COVID, about life and about our marital problems. I felt close to him again, and honestly, that felt good. I felt not only valued by him on a professional level, but I felt like we had a semblance of a friendship too. He had even told me in a prior email that he viewed me as a friend - and last Thanksgiving, he had given all employees a gift with a personal handwritten card. My card from him said "thank you for all your hard work and for your friendship".

It IS confusing though.

Was he only chit chatting with me in the beginning BECAUSE he was attracted to me? Or was it more so because he was really glad he hired me, he felt like I was a fresh breeze in the office and he wanted to get to know me better? It's hard to know.

I know that when I was first hired, that they looked to me as a senior in my department to tell them what was being done right, and what was being done incorrectly. They wanted my feedback and input and asked for it from me. They sensed things were not being done right in my department. They even fired the Director above me when I first got there. And the CEO is the one who hired me, not the Director, and not my former boss.

Oh, the whole thing is confusing.

Even after he hits on me, I have to admit that I still kind of like him as a person. I don't know why, even though I say his character is poor. Perhaps it was just poor judgement on his part - or perhaps it really does point to a lack of morals.

I view him as someone who is human, MISERABLE in his marriage, a bit lost and very lonely. He and his wife have slept in separate bedrooms for TEN years. He was living apart from her all this summer and was enjoying it. While on the phone, I was encouraging him to take steps so that he can be happier.

He is also only five years older than me, I found out at our lunch. It came out somehow. I had told him I'm turning 50. I may have even asked him how old he is. We had had two glasses of wine at lunch, and we both were a little buzzed. Perhaps I forgot to mention that. Perhaps it was the alcohol talking on his part, when he said he wanted to invite me to his cottage.

But I lost my boundaries by asking his age. I asked him this AFTER he said he wanted to invite me to his cottage.

I am working on strengthening my boundaries. This is a weakness of mine and something that I know I need to work on.

If you've read this far, thank you for listening.