Quote:
Originally Posted by here today
What I found, with my bad ex-T experience, was that it triggered a very deep, hidden, apparently dissociated section of feelings that I had from my family of origin. It took 6 months of feeling horrible, plus being abandoned by the ex-T and not trusting any others, for the feelings from my family to be "released". So I could have said the experience with the T "released" the old feelings, but it was far from that easy and it was also intolerable and dysfunctional-making. 5 years later and I'm still dealing with it, and the original stuff, without any help and not very successfully.
So, I wonder -- is there anything that could be like that for you? Any trauma or family dysfunction at all, that perhaps you don't/can't really feel or know? If so -- getting that stuff "released" without all the re-traumatization (again) might relieve some of what you are trying to do now with new T?
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I wonder if it isn't good ol'
shame at the bottom of this fear. Grown big and fat, so it kinda lost its shape and much of it is out of sight. But, this feeling of wrongness/badness? It's pretty much what shame is all about. And, what pointed me in this direction, after Monday's session I remembered that 'you should be ashamed of yourself', 'who do you think you are' were standard parts of the repertoire when my mother was angry. So it all kind of fits, I think, though it's a huge mess in my head right now. Will probably write more in the process of trying to clear it up.
How is your BetterHelp T working out, by the way?