So, back in April I wrote about the end of a very long friendship with someone I had known since we were both six years old. So a friendship spanning over 5 decades!

This person verbally attacked me (by text) and said things so horrible and cruel I was forced to end the friendship. It also finally seemed clear she has narcissistic qualities.

There was one more communication where she acted like nothing was wrong and that "our" tempers had flared a bit because of Covid. This was a total untruth. It was ALL her. She just "went off" on me. I was shocked to suddenly realize that 1) she never apologizes, 2) she always blames something outside herself, and 3) she expects I will just "suck up" her cruelty and continue being her friend. I told her I felt traumatized, did not consider we had a friendship anymore, and wanted to be left alone. I went no contact. NO CONTACT.

Since then I have been haunted a lot by the things she said. I feel obsessed with confronting her about her lies and gaslighting. This is always the worst thing about narcissists. They simply act superior, like they are always right, etc. etc. She started many sentences to me with "You are...." blah, blah, blah. This is the opposite one should do in a discussion about conflict. One should say, "I think..." or "I feel..." and not judge the other. She went crazy saying all these terrible lies about me. It was a text. I tried calling her and she would not answer her phone.

She's one of those narcissists who controls by their generosity...giving expensive and unique gifts. It took me weeks but I got rid of 98 per cent of everything she gave me, all letters, and all cards. She always sent very expensive, one-of-a-kind cards, often by artists and illustrators. She also gave me jewelry by talented craftsmen. All this stuff really felt like it was chocking me to death. She is a hoarder. Not a hoarder of crap but a hoarder of seasonal decorations, art, and antiques.

Lately I have been fantasizing sending her a letter to get "closure" even though that is absurd. I also feel like I want to get "revenge." I have feelings of hate. Underneath this I am just really hurt. She was a very weird, clingy child...she over-whelmed me. I can remember how she would always separate me from all the other kids and games and make me play with just her in the corner of the playground. She was an emotional vampire even as a child.

That late in life when I was down and out she would devalue and discard me...makes me so angry.

She did this a few other times in my life. Always when I was going through something hard...like my mother's death...or my divorce...she would vanish and show up a year or two later.

I am also soooooooooooooooooo angry with myself for all the times I let her back into my life. I think all along she displayed narcissism. She probably "made the rounds" of one friend or another...would cause a rupture...then move on to the next "source of narcissistic supply." I know she cuts people out of her life when they are no longer of value. She did this with a sister, and some in-laws.

I am also angry with myself for letting her bully me and devalue me. Frankly I felt she had a petty side I chose to ignore. This is kind of what I have done with toxic people...just ignore their dark sides. Now I am actively cutting them out of my life...and it feels like one bloody surgery after another. Narcissists and toxic people can get soooooooooooooo nasty.

Of course I could say very mean and very hurtful things to her. But it is not my style. I would rather walk away. She was such a weird child I could be very hurtful about what she was like back then. She was very high maintenance and had very few playmates. But it just isn't my style to be purposefully hurtful.

I hate to say I am a "nice" person because that sounds so stupid. I suppose everyone thinks they are a nice person. But I generally don't like to create waves, and would rather walk away than fight. I hate conflict.

But in this particular situation I just feel like she thinks she has "won" and is "superior" and "right" and knows everything about me - who I am, what I am etc etc...when none of these things are true.

I am moving so packing and going through things. I found pictures of a "pajama party" we had when we were tiny kids. We were in my childhood bedroom, tucked in bed, giggling, and hugging one another. I saved the picture because we were just kids and back then everything was so bright and beautiful. I had a sort of magical childhood and she loved coming over to my house. But I must not forget that even as a child she was difficult and high maintenance.

I find that these days a lot of people are very manipulative. If I met a woman who was natural and did not engage in this horrible habit...maybe I would make a new gal friend. Also, someone who did not brag or gossip...which seems to be very prevalent among adults of a certain age. This doesn't seem like too much to ask but maybe it is.

I have written this ex-friend letters and ripped them up. I am tired of that. I really want her to get out of my head.


I read a quote by Gandhi which said, "Don't walk through my clean mind with your dirty feet," and that's kind of how I feel about her.