i pretty much never reach out....but im so low right now. im getting a little worried about myself and my mental health.
i have BPD, anxiety and depression. ive historically been horrible with dealing with any kind of stress, negative emotions and conflict. i grew up in a household where anger was off limits and i never witnessed any kind of conflict resolution. i started SI when i was 12. every time anyone around me expresses anger or frustration i go into fight or flight. ive been in a relationship with my partner for years and according to him, i am ruining his life. i have really been trying to work on being better with talking about things but i am extremely defensive and stubborn because im so insecure and self conscious and dont feel like i have a whole lot of a sense of self. i end up blowing up, yelling, being impulsive, being mean, binge drinking, just tuning out. our arguments turn into hours long sessions where he calls me names, mocks my tone of voice, mannerisms and things i say, tells me im ****ed up and i should go back on meds or kill myself, tells me he never should have gotten involved with me, should have just ****ed me and then left, calls me a child, badgers me asking me question after question and follows me around the apartment getting in my face. he threatens to destroy everything and take away everything he bought for me or smash it. makes me cry. makes me want to binge drink and SI. when we're not arguing hes completely different. hes loving, generous, attentive and we have a lot of really beautiful moments. he has done more for me than anyone else in my life in terms of support, whether its emotional or financial or whatever. but its like a jeckyll and hyde thing. when we argue he turns into a different person..a mean, distrespectful person that i end up hating. today he *****ed at me for 2 hours before he went to work. he threatened to make my life so miserable id want to kill myself. he told me he wants to go to the bar tonight, get ********* and bring home another woman to **** so he can forget about me.
i am lost. i have been in survival mode my whole life. i have nothing to fall back on. i have no job, no independence and im starting to lose the will to keep going. every day is a struggle to keep my head above water. its gotten to the point where im drinking as soon as i can after he leaves so i can have a few hours of being able to tolerate being conscious before he comes home and goes on and on for hours about how much of a child i am and how ive ruined his life and im so selfish and such a stupid **** and how i dont deserve anything and ive broken him and i treat him like **** every minute of every day and i dont care about anything and im doing nothing with my life and how i blow everything out of proportion and make a big deal out of everything...how i let my emotions control everything and how hes just such a moron for thinking he could make a life with me. im so worn down that literally all i want to do is binge drink. ive gotten used to hanging my head and repeating over and over that im a piece a ****, i ruin everything and im sorry. i dont know what else to do. he hates me. if i try to get up and leave during these times he either wont let me or tells me if i leave i cant come back. he takes my car keys cause he bought my car. he takes away all the things he got me- my electronics, my phone. its like im his child or something. last night he told me i cant "behave" for 5 minutes. i guess i just want to not feel like a total piece of **** for having a really hard time dealing with my emotions. because im so explosive, everyone in my life walks on eggshells around me and no one challenges me for anything. hes the only person in my entire life who has pointed out the negative things about me but it seems endless. i apparently have so many negative traits and im a horrible, immature, childish selfish person that he shouldnt have wasted his time on. i just need some strength to keep going and not just give up. this is no life. im not eating, im sleeping like ****, im not showering. im just drinking and arguing. i just hate being alive right now. yes im in therapy and i like my therapist. no, im not on meds anymore. i used to be on so many meds i literally slept all day and slurred my words...and they didn't work...i was still miserable, suicidal, impulsive and self injurious. my dr just kept adding more and more and more meds.
the last thing he did before he finally left this morning was bend down and yell in my face that i **** up everything. he was so angry he could barely unlock the door to leave. he then texted me from the driveway that im a ****, i dont deserve anything and that he hates me. please make me feel better.