Nightmares are really starting to affect my quality of sleep. I can’t even explain them to be honest. I wake up from them and it takes a long time to shake the feelings. It’s not been great.

Haven’t heard from work, haven’t been sleeping, go through stints of being OK to feeling really low to feeling panicked... I’m just kinda unraveled and I feel out of control. I haven’t showered in some days and I don’t want to get out of bed. My body is sore and I don’t know why.

It’s all small things if I’m honest. I mean, work isn’t a small issue but it’s not actively being dealt with— I’m waiting on their part. Whoever I am right now is not who I want to be or live like. I’m just too tired to fight it.

I need to find something to do other than sleep. I’m thinking reading a book is a good idea. Music is a hit or miss right now— either it doesn’t hit the right cords inside me or it brings out negative things. I don’t really know how to express that either.

I did in fact trim up my facial hair because I couldn’t get food in my mouth without mustache. So I did do one thing in terms of personal hygiene.

I’ll give work until 2pm to get back to me or I’m calling to follow up. I should try to reschedule my doctor’s appt and therapist appt but I’ve skipped them both because of my mood these last few weeks. I’m a ****** patient but I honestly just can’t keep sacrificing energy to rehash what isn’t being fixed. I know it’s genuine want to help on their ends and want it to be known I appreciate that. Just I’m not in a position where I can really make use of it. From either of them.

I’ll figure life out at some point... I think it’s weird that I’m being kinder to myself now than I’ve ever been. You may be wondering what I mean. I struggle internally and when I come short I beat myself up. People on the outside who don’t know often exacerbate that feeling or use it against you. Maybe I am nothing but a sad pathetic sack of crap who can’t even be useful for the simplest of tasks— but I’m doing all I can. I may be sub par and I may not be worth the effort to be someone in my life on any level or form of relationship. I am struggling and I won’t apologize to anyone or fight for dignity. No one has to change their opinion or understand me, I only have to accept where I am and if others can’t, screw them.

I know that sounds negative and a bit harsh but it’s really a major step towards a much healthier outlook. I don’t deserve to beaten down all the damn time, especially by my own self. If I’m a mistake let me be a mistake until I can be better. Period

I don’t even feel like I’m saying substantial things anymore. Haha. Don’t be alarmed with me though. I’m not suicidal or wanting to harm anyone. If this is an “episode” well, it’s important it develops because I’ve not had many documented moments and it may be beneficial.

MarcusAurelius