Consider moving out of your parents house. If not now, eventually. Make it a goal.


I think having grown up in a dysfunctional household myself, there is a strong pull, as an adult, to behave the same way with my parents and brother - even though I want to do things differently. It is not all my fault, they way I developed. I'd go so far to say it's not my fault. But I am the only one who can change myself. Its hard. One thing that helps me, has been meditation and mindfulness. Also in the past, I have made solid commitments to have a better relationship with, in particular, my brother. Mindfulness of my behavior and my part in the conflict, has helped, as well as just pausing, and walking away, or stopping before I react, and being gentler. That's my personal situation though. Maybe you can relate somewhat?

It sounds like you want to change. And don't like the way you have been handling things. That's great! I think that's a first step right there. I think it's good to keep in mind that we can't change other people. For a long time (and honestly, still, at times) I wish my brother would see his own part in things, and see my side of things more in our conflicts instead of just explaining his side. But really, it's not like I'm in a romantic relationship with my brother (ew), and by that I just mean we get to pick and choose who we have those types of relationships with thank god, and so I don't have to be close to my brother all the time. Maybe that's a bad example, but we have boundaries basically, of who we allow into our close circle of friends and family, and who we don't. It may be hard, but your Dad is who he is and he can only change if he wants. You can wish he will change. Nothing wrong with that. But don't dwell on it forever. We can't change how someone will be, but we can change how we react to it, even if it's just taking a deep breath, and saying, I can't discuss this while I'm so angry / upset, or while you're so angry or upset. I'll be back in a little while. And then go to your room or outside for 5-10 minutes and cool off, listen to music, read, distract yourself. Give yourself longer, if you need to. A day. 2 days. Then come back and talk to the person. I'm glad you're already setting boundaries.


I like that you see the good in your parents despite the conflict you guys experience. I think that's a strength, dazedandconfused. It sounds like they're not terrible, but that it's complicated. And sometimes things are good and sometimes they're not. Some families are like that. Mine is. I am currently wanting to learn more about forgiveness. The act. The practice. Maybe that might be something to interest you too. There are books out there on peaceful communication. plug some words / questions into a search engine and see what you might find.


Best of luck to you, dazedandconfused. No one is perfect. I've been in therapy a long time, and I'm still not perfect. Imagine that. My therapist is also not perfect. Lol. That's another story for another time. But basically, I see you asking questions and wondering how to improve your situation and make communication better with your parents as well as less painful. Be patient, keep looking, take care of yourself. Best.