The extreme fatigue and dizziness continue, but there are hopeful signs the worst is over. This CFS flare-up has been the worst I have had in a decade, and it almost drove me into deep despair. Thankfully, my meds are working well and there are no signs of depression.

Tomorrow I meet with a new pdoc as my last one retired suddenly. I’m nervous about the appointment. My history is extensive so there will be a lot to cover. I just hope he is the right fit as I’m too exhausted and poor to have to shop around. I’m working on a list of key points that I need him to be able to do. First, he can’t mess with my meds as they are working great. Secondly, he must believe the CFS/Fibromyalgia is a physical illness and that I’m not depressed. Finally, I need him to support me in a very long slow taper off benzodiazepines. My body is too weak to handle withdrawals. Also, I have insomnia from the CFS so I need help with that. At the moment I take antihistamines and/or Seroquel which usually works. I hate having to take sleep meds. Maybe he has better ideas.

The appointment will last at least an hour so I will be exhausted. As I won’t be able to drive home my parents are taking me. I feel so embarrassed and sad. It should be me helping my parents, not the other way around. This physical illness is crushing my self esteem and making staying positive a constant battle.

My T wants me to text him after the appointment. I think he is concerned about my state of mind should it go badly. I was in a bad way when I saw him Wednesday. Saying I wished I had of died nine years ago when I made a serious attempt on my life. I have not been able to achieve anything since then due to severe mental and physical illness. I have a kind of survivors guilt as many others didn’t make it who would have been able to contribute more than me, I guess I wonder why I survived. There doesn’t seem to be any point.

Sorry to be so dark. Life has not been kind to me.