My son is out of control tonight. I'm going to have to call his pdoc. God I don't know why life is so unfair. I'm having serious si. Hes on 16 mgs of perphenazine, 6 mgs of invega, and 10 mgs of zyprexa every 4 days or so. His pdoc wants him on the injection but my son wont go on it. I'm so worn out. I also have immobilizing back pain. I had surgery on my back 12 yrs ago but weight gain and not being mobile have caused it to just get w)worse. I don't understand why I'm alive. I guess God just wants to torture me. I have horrible 4-5 hour long panic attacks. I have this BP which is hell. My son is very ill.

We cant watch certain shows and tonight he said that if we do hell get drugged worse. He takes 5 minutes to wash his hands and another 5 minutes to dry them. He does this like 50 times a day. I'm not exaggerating. We're going through soap like crazy. And we're broke. He wants a new toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash bc he says the ones he has got contaminated and if he doesn't get new ones he'll be drugged more. We are going through dish towels like crazy bc he says it gets contaminated. So we're going through laundry soap like crazy. It's the voices telling him these things I think. He said he cant tell me everything bc his life will be in danger. Tonight I used a fork for macaroni salad and I washed it. He says bc i touched my cooked chicken with it the fork is contaminated. After he washes his hands he takes like 20 minutes for him to do anything bc he says they have to be sand paper dry. When he puts his shoes on he has to wash his hands and go through the ritual. When he does anything he has to wash his hands.

Tonight he was throwing fits and yelling bc i said no, we're not throwing the fork away. I was worried the police would be called. He is very ill. His pdoc told me his schizoaffective is one of the worse case hes seen. Him yelling at me just triggers my PTSD. I really need to be dealing with all the traumas I've been through in therapy. Instead I'm trying to find ways to cope with miserable panic attacks. Just why am I here?