Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
This is why you are experiencing so much cognitive dissonance. I experience this myself Dechan, it can get debilitating. I do not get any enjoyment from hurting others it's never been anything that empowered me like I have seen others get from causing hurt and doubt in others. There are many that are just consumers, looking to buy some new thrill instead of learning how to create their own thrills. It sounds like your mother encouraged learning how to create and she gave warmth to doing that instead of encouraging "using" what others create, instead she wanted to inspire creating from within oneself. It's learning inspiration, not deprevation or competition, but instead sharing joy and a sense of creative freedom.
We tend to reward gold stars for being perfect instead of rewarding for learning how to learn and grow and embracing self discovery. It's like expecting everyone to conform to being a rose, when in reality people are all different flowers within and blossom at different times and in different ways. I have no interest in ruining another's blossom, and I have my own blossom that I want respected too.
Narcissists don't get that, for whatever reason they feel deprived and as a result can't be truthful or embrace reality but instead look to change reality to whatever suits them.
That being said Dechan, in all fairness to your friend, if her husband is in fact an alcoholic, there is a lot of narcissism in that problem in that everything revolves around the drinking. And some alcoholics are high functioning and manage to hide this problem well and can be rather charming and likeable. Yet, their spouses see the true Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde in them that others don't see. Given that my father was a binge alcoholic and I married a binge alcoholic, I do happen to be familiar with this challenge.
It could be that this friend has a great deal of pent up frustration in her and when you were not receptive, she blasted you with all this pent up anger. That was certainly not fair to you. If this is a true problem for your friend, she needs support from others that CAN validate her and help her.
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Very wise words indeed.
I do think I was raised in a home where individual creativity and independent thinking were encouraged. My father had his own business which he started from scratch...and it became very successful...and we all saw that as an example.
I think you see very deeply into situations. My friend is not used to me being the one who may need support. She views me as someone who is strong no matter what. But I have had a few years here where I don't feel very strong at all.
Perhaps the problem with long friendships...and family relationships...is that one gets put into a role. My role is of someone who is strong no matter what...and who can take care of myself.
You know...I have told my friend many times...that if her husband is really an alcoholic he needs AA. The truth is...his father was an alcoholic. Since we all knew each other as teenagers (I dated her husband's brother) we all knew about the father. Not just knew...but felt his abuse vicariously through these brothers. The brothers really became over-achievers...like straight A's in school...working after school and on the weekends at jobs...perfectionists at everything they did. So the idea that her husband would end up an alcoholic is shocking...because he hated this in his own father.
Anyway...I do not know for certain that her husband IS an alcoholic.
I also told her multiple times she should go to Alanon. I went because I was dealing with alcohol abuse in my family. I loved Alanon. It was very helpful.
I told her she could do Alanon online. She said she doesn't know the first thing about how to join an online community or go on a forum. I don't know if her husband does
that for her, too. I mean...Lord...she really needs to learn her way around on the Internet on her own.
I think (and here I will be like you Open Eyes, and will dig deep) maybe she is afraid to rock the boat and that is why she doesn't want to go to Alanon. She doesn't want to ever have to leave her marriage and as she says, be like me, a person who she considers has a terrible life.
Well...I have financial problems and mental health concerns but I don't think I have a terrible life.
I guess for her the idea of not owning a home and renting an apartment and living alone...is a terrible life. She is naive. Millions of people in America live this way. My city has so many apartment complexes it seems about a quarter of the population lives in apartments. And this is a very wealthy town. Many retired people opt for apartments.
My sister was married to an alcoholic who never recovered. She divorced him. He remarried and his second wife divorced him...and he ended up very tragically. And he was a very talented man. He actually invented things and had patents.
If my friend's husband is an alcoholic I cannot really help her. You would know better than I do what happens to people like her. I don't know.
Now I feel guilty like I have deserted her. But I am really not equipped to help her and at this time my own problems are over-whelming.
I guess I will have to start including her in my prayers. Up until now...I haven't felt like doing that...but today...I do. So that's good.
Thanks again, sweet friend, and have a good weekend.
