Dechan please know that I am not making excuses for your friend. I certainly do not want to invalidate the hurt you feel or that she behaved very badly.

I will say that when dealing with an alcoholic the problem is guarded and there is much denial and twisting in the alcoholic just as with a narcissist. There is the Jeckle and Hyde just like a narcissist too. And there is still a negative stigma attached to it too. And this is in both the alcoholic and the codependent spouse.

Personally I wanted it fixed and resolved. I loved my husband but did not like the drinking and the behavior. I made a mistake and talked about it with someone I thought was a friend and Coleader in a browny troop I was a leader in for my daughter and her little friends. To my horror once I shared the challenge I was black listed and my daughter lost her friends and I did not know how to explain that to her. People can be MEAN and hurtful that way. So I understand this friend’s concern.

Actually it was not very long ago that someone threw that challenge in my face once again proving to me that old risk of sharing and how the wrong person can throw it at you in such a hurtful way. I had been nice to that person too. Want nothing more to do with that person. Not a person I care to invest any more in. Learned I am not alone with that opinion too.

As far as this is concerned.? Something tells me she is very lost and alone with this challenge. I have a feeling there is a part of her that wishes someone else would tell her husband he has a problem. She may be too afraid. Like I mentioned an attack can come from genuine fear. (Fight/flight fear). She wanted something from you and could not articulate it properly. And while I believe you told her about alanon more than once I don’t think she has the courage to go as I mentioned. I don’t think she knows how to explain that to you.

To be honest with you I too was afraid and my friend took me to a meeting close to her so I would not see anyone there I knew. Honestly that meeting frightened me. Everyone looked old and burnt out like the life was sucked out of them. And they told me point blank. “You are young! Save yourself and leave your husband!” I was not ready to experience that. My daughter was only six and my husband and I were only 34.

That was about 30 years ago not like it is now where there is a lot more information about it.

My guess is this friend is older and has dealt with this challenge alone for a lot of years. And it’s not like she is young and can reinvent herself.