Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
Dechan please know that I am not making excuses for your friend. I certainly do not want to invalidate the hurt you feel or that she behaved very badly.
I will say that when dealing with an alcoholic the problem is guarded and there is much denial and twisting in the alcoholic just as with a narcissist. There is the Jeckle and Hyde just like a narcissist too. And there is still a negative stigma attached to it too. And this is in both the alcoholic and the codependent spouse.
Personally I wanted it fixed and resolved. I loved my husband but did not like the drinking and the behavior. I made a mistake and talked about it with someone I thought was a friend and Coleader in a browny troop I was a leader in for my daughter and her little friends. To my horror once I shared the challenge I was black listed and my daughter lost her friends and I did not know how to explain that to her. People can be MEAN and hurtful that way. So I understand this friend’s concern.
Actually it was not very long ago that someone threw that challenge in my face once again proving to me that old risk of sharing and how the wrong person can throw it at you in such a hurtful way. I had been nice to that person too. Want nothing more to do with that person. Not a person I care to invest any more in. Learned I am not alone with that opinion too.
As far as this is concerned.? Something tells me she is very lost and alone with this challenge. I have a feeling there is a part of her that wishes someone else would tell her husband he has a problem. She may be too afraid. Like I mentioned an attack can come from genuine fear. (Fight/flight fear). She wanted something from you and could not articulate it properly. And while I believe you told her about alanon more than once I don’t think she has the courage to go as I mentioned. I don’t think she knows how to explain that to you.
To be honest with you I too was afraid and my friend took me to a meeting close to her so I would not see anyone there I knew. Honestly that meeting frightened me. Everyone looked old and burnt out like the life was sucked out of them. And they told me point blank. “You are young! Save yourself and leave your husband!” I was not ready to experience that. My daughter was only six and my husband and I were only 34.
That was about 30 years ago not like it is now where there is a lot more information about it.
My guess is this friend is older and has dealt with this challenge alone for a lot of years. And it’s not like she is young and can reinvent herself.
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Okay. A few things.
1) I belong to Psych Central so I can come on for support and encouragement. This thread was about
my trauma in after shock from narcissistic abuse...not this other person's inability to deal with her "supposedly" alcoholic spouse.
2) Whether or not this friend can be labeled "narcissistic" remains a mystery --- but she
does exhibit narcissistic tendencies such as never apologizing, always having to be right, and a cruel lack of empathy.
3) I have never uttered an unkind word to this friend. It is not my style to attack people or say cruel things to people. I even said in this thread that if she wanted to end the friendship that would be her choice and I would accept it. What I
don't accept is how she attacked me in a way she knew would hurt me ---
especially when I am so vulnerable at this time.
4)
I don't have to try to understand this person's problems. I have listened to her complain for years and years about her husband. As far as I know he did not have a drinking problem until very recently according to my friend. He has always been a good provider, has many friends, hobbies, volunteers, and maintains their life. She is the one who isolates, shops, and hoards. So all-in-all until this drinking thing came up she picked on him for things I thought were pretty minor such as his not doing chores around the house as quickly as she wanted him to.
5) I do not have any proof that this man is an alcoholic. And since I have recently been catching her in a lot of lies why should I so readily believe this?
6) She could go online and join Alanon anonymously. Also...there are many books on codependency she could read. I work very hard at my mental health. A person can't heal by only complaining to others.
7) I am happy I came on here and talked about this again. I do feel better. I can now include her in my prayers in a very general (not specific) way. But I really want
no contact with her. This thread really wasn't supposed to be about her. It was about my feeling traumatized by her abuse.
8) As I am now on the brink of possible homelessness...I am feeling somewhat bitter about all the people (family included) who have turned away from me. I don't think I will be able to withstand being homeless either physically or psychological. In fact...just the threat of homelessness is having a very detrimental effect on my state-of-mind.
I know you mean well, Open Eyes, but, in truth, I myself have little empathy for codependents who don't help themselves. I had to deal with addiction and substance abuse in my family...addicts are very selfish, and codependents are also kind of selfish...because they want to complain but not do anything about their situation.
I think, ultimately, this is why my friend turned on me. You describe her as a "cornered animal." Well, that is not true. She is not a cornered animal. She is human being with a heart and soul, quite intelligent - as I always tell her - and it is true,
and also very, very, very spoiled.
If she decided to leave her husband she has
many people who could and would shelter her. She has many siblings who are like friends, responsible adult children, nieces and nephews galore...a veritable village of people. She would have enough money to rent a small apartment near her adult children, or other relatives.
She doesn't have to set up a whole new life for herself. She has strong connections, and enough money to survive. She even told me one relative would provide her with a sort of granny flat on their property...rent free. They live out in the country and she loves it there. So in many ways she has opportunities awaiting her.
I don't want this thread to veer off into codependent behavior on my part...enabling this person to be weak, spoiled, selfish, mean-spirited and passive aggressive.
Anyway...I don't have the energy to figure out why she is so mean-spirited. I am finding out something I always knew...when you are down-and-out MOST people will blame you, judge you, bully you, and devalue you. I have been there before. When I was younger I was smarter and just ignored everyone. I have gone through a lot of crappy stuff and have survived...but it always leaves me feeling a bit more bitter about people.
People like to kick someone who is down because it makes them feel better about themselves. Like they are superior. This is just the attitude that has led to everything evil in this world from abuse to wars to genocide.
If my ex-friend really loved her spouse maybe leaving him would be the catalyst for him to wake up and start healing himself. So there is that, too.
As my personal situation is becoming very dire and extreme I am probably going to take a break from Psych Central.
Thank you for everything, Open Eyes, and everyone else who contributed to this thread.
