The recent part is I am now smart enough to shut up and walk away. But my mood drops and I go an pout by myself like a child. At least a med stopped the crying hysterically like I had before. But the same feelings are there and the mood is affected.

I don’t have many triggers. I have identified what they are. It is that my husband is emotionally and sexually neglectful. This has been happening the whole marriage, over 25 years. I have been trying to teach him to act like he has some passion and empathy. He’s trying, but it’s ridiculously awkward. I think anyone would have become triggered to hysteria and a mood disorder, like I have.

The theme of ‘loving people who are unloving’ continues. This is the trigger. It was only my husband before fairly recently.

But I see it was also a lifelong friend who is a friend no longer since she provoked me and then blew me off, even lying about me, spreading malicious gossip— some lifelong bff So, that was a ‘loving, but unloving’ person. Although, I never cried or angered over her, so she wasn’t quite a trigger. I did engage in that toxic dance with her for my whole life until two years ago when it ended.

Then my FOO turned on me, treating me cruelly over something completely stupid. My mother, one sister, niece (her daughter) slandered and vilified me behind my back without even giving me the opportunity to be part of the conversation. Something small happened that got blown up into something huge. Again, ‘loving, but not loving’. Instead of talking to me and putting something very minor to rest (that would have been love), it was a blow off. As a result, I tried to involve my other sister to help, and she turned on me. No words were exchanged except I asked for an apology for how rudely she blew me off and she refused saying she cares nothing for me. We haven’t spoken for two years. She went to my son’s wedding when WE didn’t because of how we were treated and she was the only family member who did besides our other son who was the best man who we gave our blessing.

Which brings me to our son... also two years ago, did a complete turn around from being the best, loving son where I thought we had a great relationship to completely blowing us off when he got married. We were treated with such dishonor we did not attend his wedding, and there’s really no relationship since, nearly a year later. I am convinced it was his wife who got him to drive us off. I am coping with the loss as though he has died. I am having a very hard time with this betrayal. I can’t imagine a worse knife to the heart than my own flesh and blood who I thought loved me, but didn’t at all.

And now my youngest son is a strained relationship. He acts aloof, doesn’t like us. We are so nice and giving as parents and have never uttered one harsh word. Why is the love lacking? He watched us reeling from his brother’s treatment during the wedding disaster and he never once voiced sympathy toward us. Rather, he was annoyed. He stays in his room and doesn’t interact with us much. I need to just parent with only one year left of his high school. I take care of his needs, but mostly let him take care of his own as he is 18 and goes to college next year. I just need to not get into it with him by not bringing up his brother again. There’s a middle son who has been perfectly nice and loving to all of us, and the oldest and youngest haven’t been the same back to him either. And we’re not playing favorites, here, we never did. I’ve loved them all equally. My whole family fell apart. I am still in my dysfunctional marriage and doing everything with meds and docs and cooperation and communication with my husband to make it functional and I need to not get into it with the rest of my family anymore. Maybe I can talk myself into believing nothing is wrong. I need to diffuse the sensitivity over the ‘loving but not loving’ trigger.

Plus, my father was MI, didn’t show me love, and died when I was young. And my mother did the ‘loving, but not’ thing to me and my sisters all our lives. So, it’s been a theme.
So, that’s my trigger and it’s a doozy.