Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
The recent part is I am now smart enough to shut up and walk away. But my mood drops and I go an pout by myself like a child. At least a med stopped the crying hysterically like I had before. But the same feelings are there and the mood is affected.
I don’t have many triggers. I have identified what they are. It is that my husband is emotionally and sexually neglectful. This has been happening the whole marriage, over 25 years. I have been trying to teach him to act like he has some passion and empathy. He’s trying, but it’s ridiculously awkward. I think anyone would have become triggered to hysteria and a mood disorder, like I have.
The theme of ‘loving people who are unloving’ continues. This is the trigger. It was only my husband before fairly recently.
But I see it was also a lifelong friend who is a friend no longer since she provoked me and then blew me off, even lying about me, spreading malicious gossip— some lifelong bff  So, that was a ‘loving, but unloving’ person. Although, I never cried or angered over her, so she wasn’t quite a trigger. I did engage in that toxic dance with her for my whole life until two years ago when it ended.
Then my FOO turned on me, treating me cruelly over something completely stupid. My mother, one sister, niece (her daughter) slandered and vilified me behind my back without even giving me the opportunity to be part of the conversation. Something small happened that got blown up into something huge. Again, ‘loving, but not loving’. Instead of talking to me and putting something very minor to rest (that would have been love), it was a blow off. As a result, I tried to involve my other sister to help, and she turned on me. No words were exchanged except I asked for an apology for how rudely she blew me off and she refused saying she cares nothing for me. We haven’t spoken for two years. She went to my son’s wedding when WE didn’t because of how we were treated and she was the only family member who did besides our other son who was the best man who we gave our blessing.
Which brings me to our son... also two years ago, did a complete turn around from being the best, loving son where I thought we had a great relationship to completely blowing us off when he got married. We were treated with such dishonor we did not attend his wedding, and there’s really no relationship since, nearly a year later. I am convinced it was his wife who got him to drive us off. I am coping with the loss as though he has died. I am having a very hard time with this betrayal. I can’t imagine a worse knife to the heart than my own flesh and blood who I thought loved me, but didn’t at all.
So, that’s my trigger and it’s a doozy.  |
Oh, gosh, I am so sorry to hear about your son. A girlfriend or wife can certainly have that affect. My son had a girlfriend who made that happen. Now with his present girlfriend everything is back to normal. It is so unfortunate for you. So unfortunate. It doesn't mean he has no love for you. He is just being controlled by another...and he should not let that happen. You are his
mother. I am so sorry for your loss. Hopefully he will come around. Or there will be some kind of bridge. But really this is already so traumatizing. My heart aches for you. (I knew my son was being controlled by the woman he was with but it did not hurt less because of that. Once when they were visiting I actually told them to leave...because she created such a toxic environment. My son seemed clueless!) Turns out she treated him very, very, very poorly in the end.
I am sorry if my other thread triggered you. I had a lot of pent up anger about my ex-friend and had to exorcise it. I do feel better. I think of it now as her mistake. I was spending a lot of time thinking about her but coming here and talking it out helped tremendously. I think now I can let it go.
Also recently I lost the person I thought was my closest sibling. (Not the oldest who remains my favorite...but the one I felt I had the most in common with.) Come to find out he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Not for any reason, really. Just a kind of...apathy. Like I am not worth keeping up with. I suspect his wife, too, is in on this one. She never liked that I was close with this brother. I kind of knew I was always trying to curry his favor and got nothing back. NOTHING. No emotional involvement whatsoever. So now it is final. He is not interested. It doesn't upset me as much as my ex-friend...because I kind of suspected he was controlled by his wife.
Except no one in the family seems particularly interested in the fact I might become homeless in the near future. I am now trying to prepare for it if it happens. I will put my stuff in storage and live out of my truck. I think I can do this for the months of October and November. This would allow me to save some money...and keep looking for affordable housing.
I lived out of my car once for a few weeks when I was in my twenties. I also had friends to stay with. Not so much this time. But maybe they will let me park at my church. That would be helpful.
It is sad about your spouse's lack of affection after such a long marriage. Had that been my marriage...
it would have been the same. But since my ex remarried I guess it was me. I guess he was just turned off to me. I did meet men after divorce who were what I would call normally passionate and who were physically attracted to me. I have no idea how my ex is in his new marriage. Maybe they are asexual together. In his 30's he became sort of a cold fish. He is kind of an irritable person. My son says he is the same...easily irritated...so it isn't like with remarriage he is riding on a rainbow of euphoria.
I really do feel for you...because it
hurts so much. It makes you feel you are not desirable. I thought that. So it was a shock once out of the marriage to be again desired. As well I have a pretty normal libido. Even now, even older, if I met the right kind of man...I would not hesitate to be in a physical relationship. I have no lack of confidence sexually. I think I could be 80 years old and still enjoy sex! But when you are in a marriage where the spouse is emotionally unavailable...it causes so much doubt to arise. I really know how much it hurts. As well, it hurts to not be sexually satisfied. Which is something I accepted...until then I was divorced...and found that I was easily satisfied. Lost libido was found!
WHY? WHY? WHY? Why can't people be
normally loving?
Actually earlier today I asked myself why I am always
surrounded by idiots. That really means mostly my family. And this ex-friend. Why the hell was she even in my circle??????????????????
I don't have the answer. I have not gotten feedback that helps. Anyway, I get along really well with my son and oldest brother...so there is no problem there.
But the rest of my family...they cannot be a normal bunch. I think maybe this is your situation, too. You have to keep accommodating to all these situations that are bringing you nothing.
I used to yell. When I was married I would have those hysterical fits. Then everyone would be nice for two days. I would think but WHY DO I HAVE TO GET HYSTERICAL FOR THEM TO NOTICE MY NEEDS?
Yep
Take care.
