I was nervous to post this, but here goes.

I'm not sure if what I'm going through is anxiety or depression. It seems like every night before I go to bed, my mind tries to evaluate if I "did good enough" today. So if I get a little bit of work done, I berate myself for not cleaning the house. Or if I do some tidying, I get mad at myself for not getting more real work done. I think it's ingrained in me to do this. It's like before I go to sleep, I have to punish myself.

Many years ago, when I went by my folks house for a visit, I saw my mother doing her version of the same thing--making a list at night, and complaining about all she didn't get done. I realized then after seeing her that I have been hardwired to be really hard on myself . This is my default setting, I guess.

If I got 2 things done today, some people would say that's good. I'm thinking about the other 15 that still aren't done. This happens almost every night. And heaven forbid I actually try to find something FUN to do! Then I feel guilty for wasting my time--like it's a priceless commodity, and how dare I don't make the most of it!

It's like the inner part of me doesn't believe that I'm doing as much as I should--unless I get like 10 things done. That was my only value as a kid growing up--being a productivity machine. If I really tried to persuade myself that I was doing good enough, I'd get mad at myself. You'd probably laugh if you heard that conversation--nice me pleading with angry me. A gestalt therapist would have loads of fun with that!

I'm still trying to figure this out.
Thanks for reading this.