Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
When your experience with someone has only been positive like you just decribed, it doesn't feel right to participate in negative talk or to decide he is bad without seeing things for yourself. Even worse is when someone expresses that kind of rage directed at you, that tends to put the spotlight more on the person now hurting you as showing the bad behavior. So the only evidence you have of bad and toxic behavior is coming from your friend. And, she did that at a time when you had major challenges yourself taking place. That was pretty selfish of her.
There have been times when I helped someone else when I was genuinely experiencing something bad myself. I should have seen that red flag as a sign too. That my problem did not matter and this individual wanted to use me. I later found that out once I expressed a boundary and watched the person not only put me down, but proceed to rage rant about me in a smear campaign. And that took precedent over anyone else needing help for THEIR challenges.
I know you want to write an angry letter, however, when someone doesn't respect your boundaries typically they will just use that letter to say you are the bad person and they are the victim. You did the right thing in getting therapy and even sharing here too where you got to vent things out Dechan. When someone chooses to hurt you it's important you say ouch with someone who can see you are hurt, and not with someone who wanted to hurt you enough so you would say ouch. There is nothing wrong with remembering YOU were a nice person either. It's ok to walk away from someone carrying a sword and choosing not to engage in their toxic dual. That list you wrote out in your post was important in that what you shared means that any angry letter you write will not make any difference, when a person doesn't care and wants to hurt you, they will decide an angry letter is only a win for them.
|
Open Eyes; Actually, coming on here and talking about this situation and getting such thoughtful feedback has helped me tremendously.
Maybe these kinds of situations are repeated in our lives with different people because we
don't clearly see the patterns and aren't strong enough to set boundaries. I am happy I sought out a counselor online (briefly) to talk about this situation. When we get professional help it gives us perspective. But coming on Psych Central and talking with peers has been the greatest help of all.
The pandemic has probably had a lot to do with why all this happened now. Being cooped up...and with everyone using electronic communication devices...and with everyone being so anxious...it brings things to a painful point.
This person went crazy with texting. In another thread Tish said her friend did that and she ignored the texts...then her friend sent her an email...and that was that...she never heard from her now ex-friend again. Even before this my (ex)friend would sent long texts more like emails or letters - oddly written. Now I think maybe she was texting while drinking??? I mainly use texts for short one-sentence communication with people I also talk to regularly on the phone. I didn't really like getting these long, long texts...they aren't the greatest way to communicate. I think perhaps this person wasn't comfortable using her home computer. IDK. Maybe her spouse was on the computer and she was out on the back porch drinking and texting!!!
I tried calling this friend and she wouldn't pick up her phone. In this way, it seems like bullies are using electronic communication to strike out...and avoid a two-way conversation. That's why I don't want to send a letter anymore. What I would have liked is a real conversation on the phone...but that will never happen. Or to visit one another...but that is unlikely. And if in the future she calls and acts like "nothing happened" that is not acceptable anymore. She has done this before.
I don't feel that this person used me. My main problem was her recent rage attack which was so disrespectful. I couldn't come back from that. People push too far.
Personally I hope to never have such relationships again...and will be mindful of red flags.
Last year I got sort of friendly with an adorable older couple who were neighbors...but after a time they were very upfront with me that for them drinking was a daily event. Cocktails. Bottles of wine. This is not the first time I have run into this with older retired people. It's funny because it reminds me of being a teenager and wanting to avoid people who partied by drinking...because I was pretty wholesome as was my boyfriend. Now on the other side of life I am the same...lead a very wholesome life...and I don't want to be around that. Daily drinking seems so unhealthy for someone who is older. Especially day drinking!
We talked a lot on this thread about the fact my friend might be a codependent in a relationship with someone who is abusing alcohol...or maybe she herself is also abusing alcohol. If that is the case I guess some kind of intervention is needed...
but who is going to do that? Not me because I don't live near them.
Maybe my friend purposely caused a rupture in our friendship because I was getting too close to the truth about alcohol abuse in her household. Maybe she didn't like me talking about Alanon. They say that during this pandemic domestic abuse is on the rise. I don't know about substance abuse...but I guess that is probably also on the rise.
Personally I have dealt with alcoholism and substance abuse in my own family...and now I don't want to be exposed to it in others. I am not a social worker or a psychologist or substance abuse counselor. After giving out advice about AA, and Alanon, and books on codependency...I don't know what else I can do...except distance myself.
So, no, I no longer have a desire to write a letter, or yell at this ex friend or throw a pie in her face.
Okay, maybe the pie would be nice!
I feel sorry for her. I really, really, really do.
