Back in late 2018 I quit taking my meds because I am 5'5" and had gotten up to 200 lbs on them. I was taking 6 or 7 at the time and was sooo tired. I went all 2019 without them and didn't think very clearly but wasn't that depressed except in spring. I have depression in spring/early summer, hypomania in fall/early winter and normal moods in between with some variations. I just felt like I could handle it on my own. My major episodes were when I was in my late teens/early twenties and I'm 26 now, bday is tuesday, so ill be 27. I did fine in 2019 except I needed kava kava in high doses just to get through life at one point. It was the foggy/dissociative thoughts I had all year while not taking meds. It went away in fall of 2019 but came back in Jan of 2020 so I took meds again from jan 2020 to april 2020. Then quit them again and did fine on a keto diet. The things is, I could never get control over my symptoms fully. So I started taking Geodon 20mg 2 wks ago and feel better. I've been able to clean my apartment. The thing is, I feel guilty taking it. Everything is causing me guilt. Severe guilt. Taking meds, listening to music, watching certain tv shows. And everytime I take the med, I feel guilty taking it. I just want to flush them down the drain. I can't stand feeling this way. It's like I did so long without the meds that now I feel like a failure taking it again. I'm angry at myself. I'm guilty all the time. I can't stand it. What do I do? My nurse practitioner is super rude and will scold me if I tell her I don't want to take meds. I also hate everything going on in this country right now and fear a civil war and all this pandemic stuff.