Hi im 17 and i think i've had to deal with this- please let me know if im just thinking stuff. So recently my sister died- we werent really all that close but we were related and i was just shocked that this has happened. I still can't believe it and it's only been 3 months barely- and i've seen her in her deathbed. After i said goodbye i got home and all i thought was that i had to face the facts- my sister is dead. gone. forever. there is so many things we missed out on that we could have done, like talk about our first kisses, how we lost our virginitys, taught me how to drive like- i jus cant believe it. I watch crime shows all the time.. and it's in my life- but anyways since i got home from seeing her i felt queasy. And i have bad anxiety so i just thought it was normal and go away. But it wasnt, i was still feeling like i needed to throw up, so i went to my br and i kept throwing up til my stomach was empty.. i was crying because of how much i missed her, and the fact that we dont know how she died, wether it was suicide or someone killed her. When i did this i just felt so clean.. so empty- i went back to my room to look in the mirrior and look at how flat my belly was. i felt cute, i took pictures, then i thought to myself "is this how it feels to feel beautiful" so then on i just didnt eat bc i hated the feeling of throwing up so then on for about a month , i ate like fruit and noodles then continued to purge. I also took laxatives. everyday i checked my weight. i just got so obsessed with my weight for that short period of time. and during the time i either at little to none or ate everything in the house, purged then took laxatives. now im kind of getting back to eating normal but im scared to "relapse" if i even had a eating disorder. would you consider it being real ? im just dont want it to happen, i dont want to not feel comfortable in my own body. Right now it's only sometimes hard to eat but as i get more depressed when i think about eating or look at food my stomach hurts all day, but will watch mukbangs all day, I dont know can someone give me some advice ?