So, been thinking a lot about what happened to me yesterday. BTW, mood a tad up now at 4.5 out of 10.

Had a very hard workout yest. Only 35 miles, but fast, up to 27 mph, and did 20 mins of hill repeats. I immediately noted I was physically feeling more like I had ridden 100 miles. I was extremely alarmed by this, jolted. Soon, I was descended upon with depression. Far as I know, I felt emotionally fine when starting ride. What happened?

Remember a thread I posted awhile back about bipolar PTSD? I was saying I thought it was a problem for me. Well, yeah. It is.

Here is what I believe happened to me. Physical and mental fatigue due to bp depression have been crushing for me over the decades. Many stories here. This is why, when my loving pdoc put me on Provigil and Adderall, my life was literally transformed. My old pdoc said she wld feel good, too, if she was on speed. Ha!!
She had no interest in my fatigue. Suck it up.

So, I have major-league trauma and unresolved anguish from all this. Decades of suffering, since maybe age 3 months or so.

I started running marathons and ultras after my MDD misdignosis in '97. Helped enormously. BUT, in retrospect, when I pushed too hard, a depression lasting rest of the day wld descend on me. Realize that now. Not at that time.

My depression became 10 trillion times worse. What happened to me yesterday is a sudden, unusual, and unexpected physical and mental wipeout triggered those old trauma pathways and PTSD resulted. Terror. Anguish. Etc.

But my physical exhaustion has massive gray matter connections to limbic and prefrontal depression foci of white matter. AND those connecting pathways are afferent and efferent. The highway is 2-way. So, my exhaustion communicated with both my trauma areas--amygdyla--and the depression itself was activated. The reason I am still miserable today is that this is bipolar depression being tweaked, not just trauma.

Very interesting. Gonna hafta be cautious not to work out too hard.

Oh, I shld say pdoc did restart low-dose Adderall the other day. Sorry, know folks oppose this. He is trying to relieve my suffering. Was last on 20 bid of XR in 2012. Provigil since. It is not really helping now. 20 XR q AM. Just honesty.

Hugs..