Thank you Open Eyes for your very detailed answer. Honestly I never found out the reason why I feel like this. I only kept making up theories and increasing my confusion. Meanwhile I kept spending 60$ every week and now I don't have any more money to give them.

My parents were very supportive but now they're tired of this situation. I keep all of this secret to my friends and I do it well, because while I am with them I feel invincible. Now I've lost 99% of my hope and I keep going just for those moments, waiting for the next time I can meet someone again. Then I'm back to my depression.

I'm tired of living life at 21 and it's not normal. I didn't even want to sign up to forums because maybe someone I know will recognize me, but I stopped caring because it can't be worse than this. I've just came home from vacation with friends, nothing crazy but I felt so happy. And now I feel the worst I have ever felt.