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I was there for about 10 years (1994-2004). I know if I had the psychologist I have now, she would have been able to talk me through ALL the attempts I actually had. No one, not even me, had a clue as to what was actually causing me to feel that way. (I do now after I finally left my marriage after my mom died).
Everyone from my psychiatrist to the people in the hospital to the people around me were like "just stop doing it". Getting my dogs, showing them, getting my horse I had wanted ALL MY LIFE & riding & showing him....NONE of it fixed how I was feeling that caused the suicide attempts. Think it did get better when I kept my soulmate doggie (Leo) out of the Christmas 2002 litter of puppies Destiny had that year.
I didn't start to realize what the real reason was until I moved away (2100 miles) from everything with Leo. Then I was able to start connecting the dots. It was actually wonderful when I connected with the 2 best psychologists I ever had because we talked about it all & especially the one I have now (the other one retired). We actually talked through WHY I had felt the way I did & WHY I did what I did with the attempts & she actually validated that what I experiences was a rather normal response to the situation I had been in. Interesting because since I left, I left those suicidal feelings behind too.
The problem was that talking wouldn't have helped because in my own mind I had no clue as to why & I sure didn't have an understanding of my emotions at the time either. I had been a successful computer engineer who only thought "logic" but had no understanding of any emotion other than ANGER but I really didn't totally understand why I felt it at that time either.
Now I understand it was my response & reaction to having been trapped where I was in the marriage I was in.....basically the last 13 years of the 33 year marriage & I was too involved in my engineering career & my flute performing to really pay attention to getting out before that. Interesting how my understanding all came together after my mom died, I sold her house & left the part of the country I had lived in for 54 years of my life.
I have FINALLY grown into knowing myself these last 13 years, living alone on my farm in the country. I work hard but also have time to reflect on my own feelings without them getting garbage up by someone else's feelings trying to make me feel differently.
(PS....I totally lost count of the number of attempts I made during those years & it is a miracle that I survived those years unharmed)
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Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this.
Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
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