It is only farily recently I learned it is not only possible but okay to have many feelings about the same experience. I don't know how I never realized this but I was totally unaware until it was taught to me, pointed out to me.

I still struggle with it.

At the beginning of my last therapy session, T said Oh, before we begin... I need to rearrange my schedule on Tuesdays. Could you come on Monday at the same time? Delivered in her usual smiling, sweet, calm, considerate manner. I was shaken, though hid it (WHY do I do that?! headslap). I didn't respond immediately and after a minute (we both know I tend to mull things over) she said, half-heartedly (it seemed): ....or Thursday.

Thursday sounded so much better to me. I had just asked to go back to Fridays but she isn't in on Friday afternoons at this time. But the way she offered Thursday made me think she *really* didn't want me to choose Thursday. So I began, "Monday.. sounds.." (was going to say that Monday sounds like what she wanted me to choose) when she finished my sentence!!! ????? She was looking away from me and at her Day Planner and she said "Monday sounds like it would work." and wrote me in!!

Okay, I want to please her, accomodate her schedule, and maybe Monday will be good. But all week I have gone round and round in my head over this: Why?! Who's come along that is more interesting, more enjoyable, more likable that she would rather see on Tuesdays? Why?! She knows because I've told her that a regular time is important to me. It seems like it keeps getting changed and it makes me nutz but doesn't bother her a bit. It says to me that I'm not important, not heard, parts of me are forgotten about. Why? Is she edging me out...Tues.. Mon... outta here! lol

It keeps playing in my head. It's over, done, the change is made, but it's not over in my head.
The point that keeps replaying is where I let the opportunity to speak up and say Wait! I'm not done thinking yet! pass by and it feels forever lost.

I realize I've felt so many things from being not heard, not mattering, my needs are not important, to... anger. That is very hard for me to admit and sit with. I was caught off guard. It was a simple request and I want to accomodate her. I don't want to be angry.

I've felt like a butterfly flittering around and around and not landing. Where to land?! I couldn't decide how I felt about it. I think this is so common for me, feeling so uneasy because I can't identify my emotions easily and I forget that I can feel many things at one time about the same experience. I feel like I have to chose one emotion and that's one reason I keep flying in circles. When I realized what I was doing and that I can feel neglected and angry and even glad that she had a time that works for us both all at the same time, I felt better. It still feels like I am 'supposed to pick' one feeling. Not sure why.

Sorry this is so long and probably boring but I wanted to write about it and I wonder if anyone can relate?