Quote:
Originally Posted by here today
Yes, it does seem like shame may well be that feeling, and grown big and fat and shapeless. And then made unconscious, by dissociation or other means?
Writing about this stuff helps me, too. Plus I find it interesting and helpful to read other people's perspectives on things that are similar to what I struggle with.
The BetterHelp T is kind, but the deeper stuff came bubbling up some anyway. I told her a little about the last T and asked her to let me know if I was too much for her. And that if I was I would try to find somebody else on that platform. So at least that possibility is out in the open for discussion.
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Sorry, meant to respond to this, but anxiety levels got to the physically painful territory if I tried too hard to deal with this stuff. In particular, any attempts to communicate about it. I guess that kind of makes sense in relation to shame, but I really need to find a way around it somehow.
Anyhow, Monday's session brought some reassurance - I think managed to bring up everything that I was going to email about, and got satisfactory answers, so it worked out as well as I could reasonably expect.
I told T that I think it's shame, but didn't feel safe delving into it + wanted to focus on the other stuff first. I also asked her about the issues that proved problematic before (suicidal ideation, and my very strong 'resistance', as ex-T called it), and ... well, the very fact that we had an actual discussion is promising, her approach is promising, so it's reassuring altogether. I still feel like I'm climbing on rocks with patches of ice, a little bit further from the edge of the precipice than before, but scared that I might slip, and it'll be a huge fall when I do. IF, I should say IF.
Also told her that top priority for me is to get the xT stuff out of the way. I mean, get to a point where either I can think back to safely, without getting stuck with these hurt-and-angry-child feelings for days and weeks, or I don't need to think about her anymore ... the first one probably being easier. There's a lot of useful material that almost-surfaced during the xT debacle, like this shame thing, so I kind of want to think about those, rather than attempt to re-bury it all only for it to cause trouble again.
Re: BetterHelp T - I take that her reaction was non-hurtful, then? Yeah, I imagine it might be a bit of a relief to have it out in the open, even if you end up not discussing it. Did the deeper stuff come up in reaction to something she did or said? Or could it be
because she's kind and the angry part is feeling safe enough to want to come out? At least, that's a thing for me, I think it kind of was with xT, I kind of started believing that she so kind and accepting that she might even accept
me ... but then she didn't. That's not saying it's the same for you or that your T will do the same, though! I hope it continues to go well.
Which reminds me, one thing I forgot was to explicitly ask T to let me know if I'm starting to be too much, should do that next Monday, or in email if I manage to write one this time.