I googled the topic of doctors and other providers staring at a monitor and typing, while patients are trying to talk to them. It seems some of my resentment this morning toward the Nurse Practitioner may have been misdirected. I read about how electronic medica l records, which healthcare providers are mandated to use, are greatly changing the interaction between provider and patient. It seems the doctors and other providers are just as unhappy with the change as their patients are. The provider I spoke with this morning didn't have much of an option to do other than what she did. (Though she possibly could have injected a bit of human warmth. Instead, it was like being deposed by an attorney.) She had to use the form that the computer put in front of her, and she had to type in a response to every question. Also, because they are not doctors, NPs and PAs are not encouraged to free lance and engage with the patient in a spontaneous manner. There are liability issues related to that. So they slavishly follow this template that the system employing them has constructed. They rigidly stick to the script. It's dehumanizing to both the patient and the provider.

I took a Ritalin this morning. It did make me feel better an hour or so after I took it. Prior to when I took it and it kicked in, I got very sad and really distressed, like how I got last night. But I didn't give in to the feeling of starting to sob because that does no good. I was feeling despair that any of this psychiatric help is going to benefit me. I felt grief. It wasn't grief over my boyfriend passing away mostly. It was more grief over feeling that I've lost myself and lost my competency . . . and grief that I need help, but am unlikely to get help. I feel like real help doesn't even exist. The interview this morning was just the latest indication of that.

So I'm on the couch with a pillow and blanket, and this seems like a good place to stay. But I know I'm neglecting things and will pay a price for that.