Last week T called his wife while we were in session because he wanted her to get some home repair information off a magnet on their refrigerator to give to me. She wasn't at home to do this, so he left her a message. It was a very loving message (they're newlyweds after all, and of course he is a very warm and loving guy). His message reminded me of the messages I leave for my girls and how we talk on the phone. I realized it was because we have a loving relationship, just like T has a loving relationship with his wife. The huge contrast of course is with my husband. Did we ever leave messages like that for each other? Did he ever tell me he loved me? Was there any caring and intimacy in our relationship? And of course the big question--did we even have a relationship? What is a relationship and how could I live with him for 20 years when it's looking more and more like we didn't even have one?

This workshop on non-violent communication I went to last night made me think along similar lines. One of the things we did was create a poster on the wall about relationships and we kept adding to it as the night wore on. On the poster we drew a sun, with each ray being an item from a list of things that we need and get from relationships (and give to others). By the end of the workshop, the sun had at least fifty rays shooting out from it. As the evening wore on, I realized almost none of these rays/needs were filled in my relationship with my husband. It was sobering, sad, shocking. I didn't know we were that bad off. But seeing it in black and white, helped me to face facts--that's how we were. I started thinking of other relationships in my life, like with my daughters and yes, even with my T, and realized how many rays on the sun were part of these relationships, and it is a lot! This made me feel sad, but not hopeless, as I am leaving the "relationship" with my H and saying no to having so few of my needs met in a relationship.

Somehow the experience of therapy and getting a divorce is helping me to recognize my own needs more clearly. At the workshop, we discussed how the first part of communication is self-connection. I have been really poor at that--knowing what I am feeling inside and what need isn't being met. I think I just put all my feelings and needs behind an impenetrable barrier so I wouldn't be hurt by the pain of my marriage. I guess that's why I was able to stay for 20 years. I feel ready to be done with that way of existence and I don't just mean being married. I want to learn how to become more aware of my feelings and needs. This communications course could help me a lot with that. And therapy too. How can I have lived 4 decades on the planet and not have known that I had needs? (I think this is a good lesson for me too as a parent--that it is not just obvious to a person that they have needs and maybe I can do something proactively to help my children learn this.)

About T and his magnet: I really liked learning that he had a repairs magnet on his fridge--the type that lists the company name, logo, phone number, etc. I have a half dozen of those on my fridge too! His magnet made me feel like "good, he's just a normal guy, not someone with neat and tidy, spotless appliances." Hey, kind of like me! Then I looked around his office at the clutter and many stacks of folders and papers on his desk and again felt the same thing. He would feel right at home in my office.