Hello, I have been dealing with this problem, I’m pretty worried I might be a Pedophile, I am 16 and shouldn’t really be worrying about this I feel like but sort of keeps eating at me, I’ve never had the desire to touch a kid, and only did after talking to self-identified pedophiles over the internet, which was my worst mistake of all time.
It’s not completely intrusive, but when I see any word related to “pedophilia”, I want to shrive up and die. I can’t tell if I like it or not and it sometimes causes… I wouldn’t say pure anxiety but doubts and confusion. I honestly feel like I dislike it. I’ve purposefully thought about it and started having a reaction to it, it honestly made me feel really bad. It’s like I feel like I’m attracted to kids, but it’s not something I would do or want at all. It’s horrific.
I read this from an article about pOCD and pretty much describes what I’m going through:
“People who suffer from POCD are often quite consumed with the fear that they are attracted to children. An unintended side effect of this fear is that they come to associate children with sex and sexual desire —even though they don’t have this desire. Thus, because of their association with sex, children can become triggers, or cues, for unwanted arousal in those with POCD.”
My main coping mechanism that works usually is just avoiding everything related to pedophilia. I’ve constantly avoided reading articles or watching shows that somehow depicts pedophilia, either explicitly or not. I once blocked words related to pedophilia from my browsers so I couldn’t even look it up.
My main issue is it’s not completely devastating... saying that however, another article said:
“POCD is a type of OCD that can be anything from annoying to devastating for those who have it.”
However, that same article said “Obsessions cause significant anxiety when they occur.”
Again, these thoughts don’t cause *extreme* anxiety, they’re unwanted and somewhat repulsive. I hate them. Is it POCD or Denial? Will I really ever know for sure?
Please help!