Been a while since I've posted one of these, but felt like writing this one up.
Dr. T session Sunday (via Zoom). He typically does sessions from his regular (outside of home) office, but is sometimes at home--those times have always been in a small, light yellow office. But yesterday, he was in a different room in his home, what appeared to be a bedroom, as it had a row of closets. I figured it might have been his bedroom, which felt a bit weird. But could have been a guest one, I guess?

He apologized for a different meeting place, saying they'd been having trouble with Wifi at their house. Tried to improve it for their son doing virtual school next week, but it seemed they'd made it worse. So this was the room with the best signal that day. I said it was OK. I did feel a bit odd about "meeting" him in a different room (especially if it could be his bedroom), but got used to it fairly quickly.

Caught up on what had happened since Thursday's session, which I'd done while I was away on vacation (won't bore you with all that). I felt like I was sort of rambling. I said I did have something I wanted to talk about, but maybe not just yet. I apologized for starting to cry really hard as we were saying goodbye the last session. He said it was OK, that he knows it happens to me sometimes, that something triggers me, and maybe I don't even know what it is until later. I said I did have some sense of what it was, which is part of why I requested the Sunday (instead of Monday) session right after logging off.

I said how I didn't think it would be fair, even if I was sure what it was, to bring it up in the last minute of session. Which brought me to a question--I knew I had a tendency to bring stuff up near the end of session--did he find that to be annoying? Dr. T: "Annoying? no, I don't find it to be annoying." Me: "OK, good." I said how I'm in this Therapy Memes group on Facebook, which includes both therapists and clients. And they'd recently posted this thing about doorknob confessions (saying stuff at the last minute), and some of the T's in the group were saying how annoying that was and that they hated when clients did that. So I worried that he felt the same.

Dr. T: "No, doesn't annoy me, but if it happens often, it suggests that something could be going on, with the client, the therapist, or the therapeutic relationship. For example, a client may intentionally wait until the end to share something so that they don't have to deal with the emotional fallout of discussing it right then." Me: "So like a coping mechanism." Dr. T: "Yes. So that would be something I'd want to talk about with the client." Me: "Sometimes, it's like, I need a certain amount of time to sort of 'warm up,' to feel the connection if there's some bigger thing I want to share. I tend to keep an eye on the clock, to get those things out before we have less than 20 minutes left. But then sometimes I feel like, 'OK, I don't need to talk about this today,' then right near the end of session, I start crying, and that can be a signal that I do have to share it."

He said that it could also be a sign that he's doing something wrong with a client. That he's not pushing them enough to get to the more difficult stuff out earlier in the session. How sometimes, for him, it can be nice to have a "easy" or lighter session, not going that deep. I said I agreed with that, how sometimes I just need a lighter one. He said he needs to be careful not to slip into that too much, as it's not what clients are in therapy for (or something like that). Thought it was a sort of look behind the therapy curtain.

I went back to the sobbing at the end of last session thing. I said how part of it was that I thought, "I'm not going to talk to you again until Monday" (a longer break between sessions than we've been having lately). Which is why I'd requested the Sunday session. He said he understood, as it was a longer break than usual.

Me (tearing up): "I think it's also...I just didn't want to say goodbye to you yet. That probably sounds pathetic..." Dr. T: "It's not pathetic." Me: "OK, thanks. I think it was just...you were really validating to me in that session, like about stuff with the pandemic. And then it was like...I had to hang up from session and immediately go be with my parents (they were also in the vacation spot, but in different building). And it just was shining a bright light--is that the right term?" Dr. T: "Spotlight?" Me: "Yeah, OK, we'll go with that. So going from you being really validating, it shined more of a spotlight on them being very non-validating. And I didn't want to make that transition yet..." Dr. T: "Because this felt like a safe space?" Me: "Yes, it felt safe with you. Maybe that's weird because I'm in this strange condo, and it was over the computer, so..." Dr. T: "No, it makes sense that it felt safe." Me: "OK, good."

I started talking more about how my parents had been invalidating both on vacation and more in general. How I thought the pandemic could have been an opportunity, where we're all dealing with similar stuff, where maybe they could have understood more, but I wasn't getting that from them. Where maybe they could have been like, "It sucks not being able to go places," but I didn't get that. Or "Wow, it must be difficult to be home with D all the time." Or, going further back, "It must be difficult dealing with a daughter on the autism spectrum." "But instead, my mom would just act like it wasn't a big thing and just say, 'But she reads so well' or "she's so smart" or something like that."

I was looking down when I said that. When I looked up, Dr. T had his glasses off and looked to be wiping away tears. He put his glasses back on. I said something else regarding my parents not empathizing. Then, he said, "I felt really sad a minute ago when you were talking. I guess I hadn't realized before quite the depths of their not understanding." Me: "Yeah." Dr. T: "I'm not sure if you're ready to hear this." Me: "Uh, ok." Dr. T: "And this goes against what we've talked about before. But I'm wondering if maybe your parents won't eventually be able to 'get it.' That if this had been going on so long..." Me: "43 years..." Dr. T: "I wonder if maybe it's too much to undo?" Me: "I don't know. It's a good question. So...would the solution then be to just stop hoping for that?"

Dr. T: "I don't necessarily want to say that, because that might be too much for you, to give up. OK, I'm going to use something from marriage counseling. The options tend to be, you can choose to live with something, try to change it, or leave. That's not quite the same thing here, but the idea is the same." Me: "OK." Discussed that briefly. Dr. T: "You know...I doubt your parents even realize that you don't feel that they 'get you.'" Me: "Hm...I hadn't really thought of it that way. I guess I felt like it should be obvious, but...you're probably right..."

We talked about how I hadn't really come out and said it to them. He gave some advice on how I could talk to my mom about it, like if she reacts in a certain way to something I share, I could say how she's being rather Pollyanna-ish (as in over-the-top optimistic) and that it feels dismissive. And to explain what I do want--empathy, just for her to listen, etc. That I may not want to say it quite that way, to think about it.

I said I knew we had to stop in a minute, but that he'd given me a lot to think about. We confirmed for this week and scheduled for the following week. Dr. T: "I hope you have a good rest of the day today." Me: "I hope you do, too." He smiled and gave a little wave, and I waved back, then ended the meeting. It felt like a really productive session.