I have long recognized my avoidant personalty disorder but it is coming to a place where I know it is bad for me. At the age of 49 I have managed to push large groups of people away and I no longer seem able to figure out how to get people close to me.

I have grown some terrible habits and I am not sure if they are changeable.

1. I have grown deeply paranoid about my life. Personally I like my life. I don't see it as sad or in need of fixing. But so many people around me do.. I am hesitant to share anything with them. My boss has his heart in the right place that he wants me to "have fun" on the weekends but what fun? With who? So I just ended up not telling anyone about my life or flat out lying to them. There are things that are important to me but not others. I am having a friend come pick me up for a medical procedure next week and when I asked my first thought was how much I would have to hide in my house and on my phone.

2. I don't want to be around people on facebook. I have reduced my facebook to about 20 friends ... a lot of people got very offended by my defending them. But see above I just didn't feel they were "true" friends so why give them the opportunity to "judge" -- well one of the people left is a relative. I just can't stand her. I suppose I might be able to stand her if I didn't feel like she was a narc for the extended family. And she is... I realize my entire relationship with my family is based on my fear that they will know me and judge me.

3. At work I have some "built in friends" who only work with me for a short time period. Based on past behaviors (them using me) I decided not to be friendly with them... but that has kind of backfired. I feel like I am leaving a grand source of friendship on the floor.

4. I desperately need to make friends but I have no idea where or how. My only thought at this point is via volunteering but I wonder if that just won't not be a place to make friends.

5. Some of my potential friends don't like each other and this makes it hard to have these friends... so I feel I have to push one ore more of them away.

6. I never have people over to my house and people have noticed and wrongly assumed I have no friends. I feel like I have to do something to change that.. but what?