Through a combination of google searches and stuff T said in session that lead to tips for google searches, I managed to find out a lot of stuff about him. Stuff about his family, his partners etc. It’s all public information, but the way I went about finding it is kind of sneaky and it takes a lot of scrolling through a lot of things. I saved some public photos too, of T, of his partner etc. Most was curiosity (I do heavy, time consuming google searches for anyone I find interesting) and a need for connection (having photos of t).

The problem is, something triggered me last week and I now feel extremely guilty and sneaky for knowing so much. He once told me that anything this is public info is fair game because he knows I have a penchant for “research”, but I don’t think he can even begin to imagine how much is available and how easy it is to connect certain dots. I feel like a massive freak. I can’t tell him about it—I imagine he knows I must have found some things, but I don’t think he knows just how much.

It doesn’t affect our relationship in a bad way, if anything I feel more connected to him and like I can open up more because I see him as a real person...but I just can’t shake the feeling that if he knew he’d be disgusted with me/freaked out and terminate me. I can’t shake off the feeling that I invaded his privacy somehow, even though the info is public. Some of it he even inadvertently led me to (I found out who his gf is because of a video link he sent me!). Still, I feel like I should have respected his privacy more.

I don’t know how to not feel like the worst person in the world for this.